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What NOT To Do At An SEO Conference

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I love SEO conferences and meetups. I’ve met most of my favorite people on the planet at them. There’s also lots of douchebags, who really don’t get what an incredible community of people it is most of the time. I sat down with Mike McDonald and talked a little bit about what to do, and what not to do at SEO Conferences. I thought I’d do a written version for the things I forgot as well. So here is what you should do if you really want to be a total outcast douchebag at an SEO Conference:

1. Spam people with lots of business cards.
We definitely all need more business cards. I’m not a filthy prius driving hippy, but fer’ cryin’ out loud, save a tree, and don’t hand everyone in the group a card the moment you join the conversation. Double jerk points for acting like you’re an escort affiliate in vegas and handing out stickers or cards at the exit at the end of sessions.

2. Be the pushy salesguy
ABC – Always be cobbling (vid). Yes, the new company you’re with is awesome. Give me a good pitch in the morning after three days of hangovers, and interest me in thirty seconds or less and we’ll talk. Put that cocoa down Shelly Levine. Cocoa is for cobblers only. I’m sure you’ll do well selling Rio Rancho and your rank checker software on your next batch of cold calls.

3. The guy with LOTS of “awesome ideas”
It’s very likely that cookie stuffing users with games that are pogo-clones is a profitable business model. It doesn’t mean anyone will want to do your SEO for half of your big bucks. We get it, your ideas are incredible, and you’re going to be rich, and we should absolutely be your slave for 6 years doing the grunt work on your pyramid bingo scheme. Praise Jeebus for your miraculous ingenuity and lack of startup capital.

4. The guy soliciting people to write for free
You have a blog. We get it…you need content and links, and long for acceptance on sphinn. It will be the best – most unique content ever, because there’s definitely not enough SEO blogs on the web.

5. The guy that drinks to much
Before you know anyone, act like Neil when he learns hitting the top of beer bottles makes carbonated beverages explode. It IS funny to see someone’s beer spray all over them, and you should be the one to prove it to everybody. Try to go shot for shot with Rae, Boser, or Dave, because they’re lightweights and can’t drink much. Disregard the rules of SEO club, and proceed to make an ass of yourself (see number 6). Blab about all your sites and great ideas – be sure to tell everyone the best most secret (and spammiest) ones. Wake up with no revenue streams, respect, and a headache when you realize you missed the first 4 hours of a conference that you paid over two grand to attend. Those last 6 shots of petrone were totally worth it, and and offering to pay the thousand dollar bar tab on your bosses expense account was an excellent idea. Nothing says professionalism like binge drinking to the point of blacking out and vomiting.

6. Don’t have a mint and be a close talker
Nothing quite as wonderful and pleasant as the fragrant smell of ass breath with someone standing uncomfortably close blabbing about how cool they are.

7. Ask 17 questions that have been answered already during Q and A
Hi, I’m Peter K… from www.IamADouchebagRealtor.com – I have a site where I try to bleed people out of all the money I can in the San Francisco Bay Area. I have one question I’d like to ask in 17 parts (credit Matt for the joke). I will be certain to tell everyone my domain in every session that I attend where I grab the mic from the moderator and ask questions that pertain to no one but myself.

8. Barge in on conversations
There is no business done at these events, and people rarely know each other. They are all there to meet YOU. After all – it’s all about you.

9. Stalk a Femozzer (or any other female in the industry)
Girls love it when you email them lots of times after getting their card. Text and facebook messages work well too. Then be sure to write a blog post about them, and add them on every single social network site as your friend. It’s probably a good idea to try to get laid at an industry event (or the opposite), and no one will ever find out that you’re a creep and talk about you behind your back. As a backup plan, you can follow googlers everywhere asking to speak to Matt Cutts, and wondering why your payday loan site with blog spam links got banned from the index.

10. Ask SEO questions first
Why SHOULDN’T Todd Freisen write all your sites .htaccess 301 redirects for your site migration the first time he meets you? Michael Gray OWES you at least a dozen good linkbait ideas for your dental practice because after all, he posts his picture on the internet and talks about marketing on his blog. Just like David Hasselhoff owes you a ride in kit because you watched Knight Rider re-runs for 17 years (as well as that painfully commercial knock off mini movie).

11. Ask people what they do in the first 10 seconds you meet them
Don’t forget to ask how much money they make, their religious and political beliefs, and if their significant other enjoys a little butt play by the end of the first minute.

12. Give away secrets told in confidence
Parlaying secret information, and giving it away in your next conversation is a great way to get more information (or get beat up and ostracized for eternity).

13. Blog everything you hear in the bar
This is a given. If people say something outloud, it should end up on the internet…right?

14. Videotape people without permission
Chicks dig this. Forget privacy. Make gratuitous use of backside and cleavage shots as well. Try to get candid vids where people don’t know you’re video taping their business transactions and post them on youtube that evening.

15. Spam everyone that gave you a business card
No sense in giving out lots of business cards if you don’t GET lots of them as well. Have your intern input all the names, and then send at least a dozen emails to everyone on the list (make sure to CC everyone too!) about a new blog you’re starting in a month that currently just has a default wordpress theme. Follow up with requests to help you tweak your template and ask for guest posters.

And the NUMBER 1 way to be a conference douchebag – Act like you’re really cool – and do a video for the world to see, and act like an asshole:)

Maybe I’m fickle, but so are a lot of others who have been to lots of shows. A while ago, I did offer some some more positive tips on things you SHOULD do at an SEO conference.

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What NOT To Do At An SEO Conference
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