A retina display. Some kind of Apple TV integration. 4G LTE. A beefy processor. More megapixels for the camera. A price hike?

With all of the speculation about Apple’s expected iPad 3/iPad HD announcement swirling at nigh-breakneck speeds this morning, it’s hard to keep up on what information is reliable and what expectations might fall a little bit short. There’s a lot to get excited about and, while a lot of the rumors probably have some substantial support from reality, anytime fanboy fevers run high it welcomes the opportunity for disappointment. What if that retina display doesn’t actually happen? What if the camera is just the pits? What if all of this leaked iPad 3 info has just been a decoy to lead us away from something completely different, like the iCot?

Instead of focusing on what could come up short and leave ourselves vulnerable to disappointment, it’s worth reconsidering the list of features that the new Apple device will confidently not have. Recounting the things that the iPad 3 definitely won’t have will lessen the bruise of the new iPad’s shortcomings, right?

Given we are still in the arena of rumors, I can’t substantively say that the iPad 3-thing definitely won’t have any of the following functions, either, but it’s more likely than not that whatever Apple releases, it won’t include any of these features.

Web-shooters.
Fur.
A spare set of your car keys.
A spare tire.
Enriched uranium.
A fleshlight attachment.
The world-record for pole-vaulting.
Snooki.
Cleats.
A pizza cutter.
A one-way ticket to midnight.
The Higgs boson.
Zune support.
Stardust.
Downward-facing dog pose.
Rick Santorum’s Super Tuesday victory in Ohio.
A #1 seed for the NCAA tournament.
The Triforce.
Human bean juice.
Fangs.
An inner tube.
The singularity.
Birth control.
Over mitts.
Scratch-off lottery tickets.
An espresso stamper.
Egg Beaters.
Red mercury.
Happiness.
Android.
Steve Jobs.

This list isn’t meant to be comprehensive, and there’s certainly room for additions here. What else do you think we can expect not to see included in the new iPad’s suite of features? Feel free to contribute your speculations below in the comments.