Do you ever play that game where you Google random words or phrases like “ice cream” or “Kevin” or “filipino” just to see how far up in the results the first pornography page shows up? It’s a good holiday game. Something the whole family can enjoy.

Apparently this isn’t so much fun for at least one person, who posted a complaint on Google’s Web Search Help forum:

Wow. Quite a fascinating conundrum we have here. Anyone have any guess as to why?

Anyone?

…..Any-one?

…..Bueller….?

Wait! – Maybe those results are appearing because the Internet is obviously overrun with lecherous hordes of young babysitter-porn hounds! Actually, that’s undoubtedly a scientific fact of the universe. Anyone familiar with Rule 34 will shrug off this event without any further concern but this problem demands our continued attention as nothing so far really explains why similar searches for “babysitters,” “teen babysitters,” or “good babysitters” don’t return the same lurid results as “young babysitters.” A search of “young babysitters” returns, save for the second and third results, an entire page of babysitter-themed hardcore pornography. However, searching the other terms I listed above, all you receive are sites legitimately associated with the honest profession of babysitting children.

This perplexing discovery beggars the important question: Why would Google’s search results for specifically “young babysitter” defile such an otherwise innocent inquiry on how to become a babysitter? What libidinous fascination with young babysitters has seeped so deeply into our cultural subconscious that, upon searching the Internet, this particular word pairing should automatically yield pants-shrinking depictions of prurient affairs?

The most likely answer? We’re all perverts and these results are probably completely appropriate (NSFW, by the way) to the motives of “young babysitter” Googlers. The information that Google provides us is based solely on humanity’s prevailing interest and, in this case, that mechanism happens to perform like a dark mirror in which we glimpse our twisted reflection snarling back at us. Occasionally someone doesn’t recognize this reflection, like the forum poster above, and confusion begins. According to Google’s results, when most of us hear “young babysitters” we cognitively index that construct as “sex with young babysitters.”

So let this be a lesson to all of you Internet searchers and would-be babysitters: be very careful with how you choose your search terms because something as seemingly benign as “young” could easily be an Internet synonym for yeahright.