Are people still flipping out over that Nicki Minaj line? If rap quotes were serious than NWA actually killed 20,000 people.

If your hamburger has lettuce on it, it’s a salad.

If you still haven’t heard Skrillex just imagine Rosie from The Jetsons in a tickle fight with a Sega Dreamcast.

Having a favorite politician is like a homeless guy having a favorite can.

Coffee shops are like dog parks for Apple products.

I bet the worst thing about being super famous is having a video of some freak-ass kid inviting you to the prom go viral on YouTube.

I left my TV on all day while I was gone so my furniture could watch the Clint Eastwood marathon on AMC.

I know I am getting old because I remember when Snapple used to taste like tea.

Chuck Norris thinks that re-electing Obama will create “1,000 years of darkness,” even though Chuck Norris jokes have already done that

I think we all agree that if President Obama introduces the new iPhone on the last night of the convention, this election is over.

The new iPhone 5 is engineered to hurt 3% less when you’re laying in bed reading and drop it on your face.

Remember when we all cared about catching that Kony guy for a couple of days? Yeah, me neither.