Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.
And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.
Fred Willard was arrested for masturbating in a movie theater. That is the best review of "The Dark Knight Rises" so far.
Chick Fil-A is an elderly relative who busts out the word "colored" at the grocery store. You love her, but she really makes it hard on you.
I've never seen a McDonalds or a Burger King under construction. They just show up.
I can't tell, do people on bicycles in bicycle gear want to be noticed?
I forgot to rinse out my cereal bowl, now there is a severly stuck corn flake in it. #FirstWorldProblems
Going to jail for masturbating in a porno theater is like getting arrested for walking into a Quiznos and ordering a sandwich.
Spoiler alert - The new Batman movie is really an allegory about how effective the P90X workout is at shaping your core.
Today's Equation: Taxi = Car - Privacy + Odor
Mitt Romney seems like he would only see movies that critics called 'a delightful romp.'
When I was your age we had to fax each other scans of our genitalia down at the local Kinko's.
"American Wedding" is still the worst thing Fred Willard's done in a theater.
I’m going to be doing a stellar impression of Fred Willard at the midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises.