Canadian police have all the fun.

In a news story that sounds like something from an ill-conceived Martin Lawrence movie, officials in Ontario are holding a man in custody who swallowed a $20,000 diamond and are now waiting for him to…pass it.

52-year old Richard Mackenzie Matthews apparently pulled the old switcheroo at Precision Jewelers and tossed the real diamond down his gullet, leaving cubic zirconia in its place. The only problem is, he was busted and now he can’t get his bowels to cooperate despite a bevy of laxatives and various foods designed to do just that.

An X-ray won’t show the gem because diamonds are translucent, but authorities have located cubic zirconia in Matthews’ intestines, which begs the question: how many jewels did he swallow, exactly? That won’t be clear until he’s able to do the deed, but one thing is certain: he won’t be going anywhere for quite a while. Not only was he responsible for the botched jewel theft, he also has warrants out in Toronto.