David Letterman dropped in on a live Steve Martin and Martin Short comedy tour event in San Antonio, Texas this weekend. The gathered crowd was treated to a bearded Letterman joking with the pair and enjoying the spotlight again since his retirement.
“I am so happy to be out of the house!” Letterman enthused.
“Back in Hollywood, we met at a Scientology mixer,” Letterman said of his friendship with Martin and Martin.
There were frequent pauses for applause as Letterman effortlessly worked the crowd.
“I retired and I had no regrets, none,” David Letterman told the crowd. “I was happy. I made actual friends. I was complacent. I was satisfied. I was content. And then a couple of days ago, Donald Trump said he was running for president. I have made the biggest mistake of my life, ladies and gentlemen.”
Letterman then produced from his jacket pocket a Top Ten list.
“Every suit I own comes with a Top Ten list,” Letterman told the crowd.
Top Ten Interesting Facts About Donald Trump:
No. 10: That thing on his head was the gopher in Caddyshack.
No. 9: During sex Donald Trump calls out his own name.
No. 8: Donald Trump looks like the guy on the lifeboat with the women and children.
No. 7: He wants to build a wall around that thing on his head.
No. 6: Trump walked away from a moderately successful television show for some delusional bullshit … oh wait, that’s me.
No. 5: Donald Trump weighs 240 pounds – 250 with cologne.
No. 4: Trump would like all Americans to know that that thing on his head is free range.
No. 3: If President, instead of pardoning a turkey on Thanksgiving, he plans to evict a family on Thanksgiving.
Tied for No. 3: That’s not a hair-do, it’s a wind advisory.
No. 2: Donald Trump has pissed off so many Mexicans, he’s starring in a movie entitled No Amigos.
No. 1: Thanks to Donald Trump, the Republican mascot is also an ass.