After a few weeks of relatively quiet recuperation, the Christy Mack case hit the headlines again over the weekend. First came the revelation on Thursday that the hearing scheduled for Friday was postponed so that Jon Koppenhaver’s defense team could review the charges and try to cut a deal with the prosecution.

Christy Mack herself posted an Instagram picture and message about her recent surgeries and recovery progress. She was dogged, yet again, in forums and replies by fans of Koppenhaver.

Then came the news of Tuesday night, when a guard at the Clark County Jail where Koppenhaver is housed found him in the middle of an apparent suicide attempt. Koppenhaver’s attempt was foiled, but how this may affect his defense and charges against him remains to be seen. The jail staff did find a suicide note at the scene.

Now TMZ has released photocopies of a letter that Koppenhaver sent to a friend in the days before his suicide attempt. While it is not the suicide note he left behind in the jail, but it does appear to speak to that and to his charges.

The note begins with a quote from Nietzsche.

“To die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.”

The quote is from Nietzsche’s Twilight of the Idols. In full, the original quote reads:

”To die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly. Death of one’s own free choice, death at the proper time, with a clear head and with joyfulness, consummated in the midst of children and witnesses: so that an actual leave-taking is possible while he who is leaving is still there.”

Nietzsche’s book touched on a variety of philosophical topics. The most popular phrase from the book is not one of suicidal resignation, but of defiant strength: “What does not kill me makes me stronger.”

Nevertheless, Koppenhaver goes on to tell his friend:

“If you are reading this it must be a rap [sic]. I refuse to live a parasitic life, relying on taxes and the generosity of friends for food and shelter, while never being able to give back. I always used to say, ‘You gotta know when the gig is up.’ I had a good run. I experienced more in my short life than 5 avg. men combined.”

He then goes on to say what appear to be a series of good-byes to various people, including Christy Mack herself, whom he addresses as “Christy, My One”.

“I truly love you and planned on being with you forever… Finding what I found that night was devastating for me… not just the unfaithfulness, but the way U [sic] cared for him and protected him. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish that you weren’t hurt that night, I hope you know that. If I could do it all over again I’d just have laid down and let him beat me up. I forgive you, please forgive me, I love you. In hard times know that I am there to lean on.”

He continues his messages to various friends he names — Zsannett, Michael (his brother), Shannah, Melissa, Amanda, his grandfather, and a string of other friends. In several of them, he talks of watching over them and his strength being with them.

He speaks of the charges against him and the possibility of Christy Mack testifying against him.

“They wanna charge me with battery and DV [domestic violence]? Fine, do it, but don’t railroad me with B.S. fantasy charges like: Rape! Attempted murder! Kidnapping! and Burglary! It’s fucking ridiculous and it’s making it impossible for justice. I’m a good person with a huge heart and everyone who knows me knows that, especially Christy. I don’t know what has happened to her but I’m not gonna watch the woman I love go on the stand and tell painful lies about me. I don’t know if her scumbag agent is making her do this for $/publicity, or if the D.A. is just pressuring her/scaring her, or what.”

Interestingly, within this letter, Koppenhaveer never apologizes for what he allegedly did to Mack. He apologizes to his brother and grandfather for not being a “better brother” and “letting you down”, respectively.

He speaks about pain only in regard to “painful lies” that Mack might tell on the witness stand about him. In fact, regarding Mack he says, “I don’t know what has happened to her” and speaks of her injuries as though he were not involved, saying, “Not a day goes by that I don’t wish that you weren’t hurt that night.” His only request for forgiveness from her is paired with his own statement that he feels the need to also forgive her.

He then says, “I was never meant to live in this era anyway.”

You can see the photocopied note in Koppenhaver’s handwriting here [PDF].