I’m sure you think that the reason some talking facelifts on CNN continues to blame much of our nation’s violent steak on video games is that they are idiots. I bet you think that every time someone proceeds to word vomit out something about Grand Theft Auto ruining America on Fox News – well, that’s just because they don’t really want to tackle the real issues. Because tackling real issues is hard. It’s really, really hard.

Nope. The reason we can’t have nice things is this guy.

I’m talking about Zachary Burgess, 20, of Hoover, Alabama. After attempting to steal a car with a female passenger still inside, he proceeded to tell Baton Rouge police that he was just GTA’in brahs.

From WBRZ:

Investigators said Burgess hopped into a car after its owner parked at the bar and got out, and took off while the female passenger was still inside. Police said Burgess hit several other cars before the passenger managed to escape. They said witnesses stopped Burgess and held him at the scene until officers could arrive.

Investigators said Burgess told them he wanted to see what it would be like to play the video game “Grand Theft Auto” in real life.

In a studio hallway, right now, someone from an organization with the word “concerned” in its name is getting fitted with a microphone. They’re looking in the mirror, making sure their hair and makeup check out. They are furiously tugging on the bottom of their jacket, making sure their upper half looks presentable. They nervously shuffle a few index cards.

In five minutes, they will come on national television and use Zachary Burgess as proof – proof that the real problems in this country all begin with your kid and an Xbox controller.

Goddamnit, Zach.

Image via East Baton Rouge Sheriff’s Office