Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.
And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.
I’m not as excited for Black Friday as I am for Latino Wednesday.
— Paul Scheer (@paulscheer) November 20, 2012
To everyone who complains about political tweets: WHO ARE YOUR TAYLOR SWIFT LYRICS HELPING?
— Jimmy Long (@jimmylong7) November 20, 2012
Sometimes I refer to my iPhone as my “wizard rectangle” a little too loud in public and I have no friends.
— Ben Mehl (@itsbenmehl) November 20, 2012
“Eh, close enough.” – Mitt Romney on Elmo resigning
— Mike DiCenzo (@mikedicenzo) November 20, 2012
“Black Friday” came earlier this year for me (my TV was stolen)
— Dick de Balzac (@cornlog) November 20, 2012
God took away our Twinkies for what we did to Guy Fieri.
— Alex Blagg (@alexblagg) November 16, 2012
If this paintball game has taught me anything, it’s that children make terrible human shields.
— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) November 20, 2012
No, Gordon. I still don’t understand how you “butt dial” someone with the batsignal.
— The Batman (@God_Damn_Batman) November 20, 2012
I like to raise the stakes and pretend Home Alone 2 is about Kevin trying to prevent Marv & Harry from doing 9/11.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) November 20, 2012
Every time someone pulls out a phone from their pocket and declines a call, Alexander Graham Bell looks down, sighs and does another shot.
— matt (@biorhythmist) November 20, 2012
If you know you have exactly 99 problems, you are over thinking the whole thing.
— Mike Birbiglia (@birbigs) November 20, 2012
My dad and I keep breaking up on the phone. I hate AT&T and the fact that he’s no longer in love with me.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) November 20, 2012
In all honesty, I bet it’s kinda fun believing “God” wants you to kill people.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) November 20, 2012