Serial Groper Blames Caffeine for His Curious Behavior

    July 6, 2012
    WebProNews Staff

Serial groper Kenneth Sands, who was recently convicted of inappropriately touching women and teenage girls, attempted to blame his uncouth behavior on caffeine. His reasoning: the drug completely altered his personality, causing him to act in a manner that wasn’t indicative of his true personality. Unfortunately for Sands, the judge wasn’t buying his nonsense, and quickly shut down his peculiar defense.

According to Dr. Martin Blinder, who presented the “Twinkie defense” following San Francisco Supervisor Dan White’s assassination of gay rights activist Harvey Milk, there is absolutely no evidence that caffeine would affect a person in such an extremely bizarre fashion.

“When someone gets depressed and abandons his diet, eats junk food, and if you are already on a downward spiral, I can tell you that eating junk food is not therapeutic,” Blinder explained. “If you ever read the label on a Twinkie, only two of the ingredients sound like food products.” Regarding caffeine, he added, “We have no evidence that coffee is harmful. In fact, there is some evidence that drinking it in one’s old age can assist in some Alzheimer’s cases.”

Sands was arrested after groping two women and three teenager girls at a high school volleyball game on October 18th, 2011. During the game, the 52 year-old bus driver touched a woman’s breast several times, an act he followed up by grabbing her behind as she attempted to move away from him. After the game, Sands reportedly touched two teenage girls before getting onto a bus and doing the same to another girl after boarding the vehicle.

According to court documents, Sands blame his randy antics on an excessive intake of caffeine. As punishment, the bus driver will spend roughly five months in jail.

Curiously, this isn’t the first time such a defense has popped up. In 2010, a Kentucky man was arrested for strangling his wife, an act that the plaintiff blamed on the excessive intake of caffeine from sodas, energy drinks and diet pills.