Follow @samlansky

Sam Lansky
@samlansky

You guys, I’m really beginning to worry about Lindsay Lohan

Follow @DepressedDarth

Darth Vader
@DepressedDarth

If I dated Taylor Swift, I’d break up with her just so I could have a song about me that isn’t the Imperial March.

Follow @pattonoswalt

Patton Oswalt
@pattonoswalt

In less than 29 hours, I’ll be right here, live-Tweeting the VP Debate. Guess I should finish these 12 bottles of absinthe.

Follow @robfee

Rob Fee
@robfee

If you watch Forrest Gump backwards, a mentally handicapped man moonwalks across America so he can fly to Vietnam & find his friend’s legs.

Follow @indecision

Indecision
@indecision

Obama campaign preparing for VP debate by seeing if they can get Bill Clinton to wear a Joe Biden mask.

Follow @biorhythmist

matt
@biorhythmist

You don’t sound very confident, Maybelline.

Follow @ChaseMit

Chase Mitchell
@ChaseMit

So disgusted that Stacey Dash is voting for Romney that I’m only masturbating to Clueless with half of my normal enthusiasm.

Follow @FirstWorldLife

First World Life
@FirstWorldLife

The waitress keeps asking if everything is okay, and it is. #FirstWorldProblems

Follow @RexHuppke

Rex Huppke
@RexHuppke

Mitt Romney is staunchly pro-anti-pro-anti-pro-anti-pro-anti-pro-anti-pro-anti-pro-anti-pro-anti-pro-anti-pro-anti-pro-anti-…

Follow @BorowitzReport

Andy Borowitz
@BorowitzReport

Whenever there is injustice in the world, Americans will rise up and retweet a hashtag.

Follow @bazecraze

Alex Baze
@bazecraze

If it weren’t for boobs, I would have read all the great books and learned the piano by now.

Follow @alyankovic

Al Yankovic
@alyankovic

At what age would it be appropriate to explain to my daughter that Bugs Bunny was a transvestite?