@bheater
Brian HeaterThere’s a loud kid in an Angry Birds hat in the airport. Where’s a shoddily constructed building full of pigs when you need it? 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@Jkelce
Jason KelceHappy Birthday Michael Jordan! On behalf of Earth and the Looney Toons, thank you for saving us. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@Filmdrunk
Vince ManciniHappy Birthday Michael Jordan! In related news, his Hitler mustache turns two. 2 hours ago via Tweetie for Mac ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@DepressedDarth
Darth VaderHappy Birthday Michael Jordan, exceptional skills and a shiny black head are two things we have in common. 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@jeremyscahill
jeremy scahillNow that Pat Buchanan is off MSNBC, who will speak for the xenophobic racists? 2 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@pumpkinshirt
Lain HughesIs it strange that, as a consequence of his crime, the Underwear Bomber will get free state-provided undergarments for life? 43 minutes ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@ApocalypseHow
Rob KutnerIf it’s any consolation, the Underwear Bomber’s actions almost certainly did cause the drop of multiple underwear bombs. 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@MensHumor
Men’s HumorReceipts are short stories about how stupid and awesome last night was. 5 hours ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@DamienFahey
Damien FaheyChris Christie won’t veto the marriage equality bill if we convince him gay marriage is the union between melted cheese and marinara sauce. 11 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@toddbarry
Todd BarryIf I see someone at airport holding a guitar & I don’t recognize them, I assume they play in a jazz fusion band. 20 minutes ago via WhoSay ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@alexblagg
Alex BlaggGod is like electricity. You can’t see how it works, but you know it has nothing to do with science and you’re probably going to hell. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@SamGrittner
Sam GrittnerWEIRD BUT TRUE: Quinoa is actually made from ground-up NPR tote bags. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@BorowitzReport
Andy BorowitzJeremy Lin being underrated almost makes up for everyone else who went to Harvard being overrated. #Linsanity 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@JennyJohnsonHi5
Jenny JohnsonBet those Valentine’s Day office flowers are beginning to wilt. It’s like watching someone slowly tear up $75 over the course of a week. 4 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto