Like My Status or I Will Punch You in the Face

Sometimes, liking a particular status on Facebook can get you into trouble. For instance, let’s say your friend posts that she is having the worst day of her life. It might seem as though “...
Like My Status or I Will Punch You in the Face
Written by Josh Wolford
  • Sometimes, liking a particular status on Facebook can get you into trouble. For instance, let’s say your friend posts that she is having the worst day of her life. It might seem as though “liking” that status is kind of funny. You would be right, it is funny – but you can expect to be called a four letter word or something ending in “-hole” in the comments.

    “Liking” the changes in people’s relationship status is also a tricky proposition. When Dave finds out that his good friend Steve “likes” that his recent ex-girlfriend Suzy is single, watch out.

    But have you ever seen a situation where someone became enraged when another person failed to like their status?

    According to MSN, A Texas man has plead not guilty to charges of battery after he allegedly assaulted his wife because she failed to like one of his statuses.

    36-year-old Benito Apolinar was arrested in New Mexico after reportedly punching his wife in the cheek and pulling her hair. Police say that Apolinar confronted his wife of 15 years at her home while dropping off his children. The two are apparently separated.

    He was upset that his estranged wife failed to like a status he had posted in remembrance of his mother’s passing on her death anniversary. According to police, Apolinar said that is was “amazing everyone ‘likes’ my status but you, you’re my wife. You should be the first one to ‘like’ my status.”

    Then he punched her in the face. Classy. He will appear in court in December.

    In news that I’m sure will come as a giant surprise to everyone – it appears alcohol was involved. This just puts a new spin on the classic argument that boozing and social networking do not mix.

    In honor of Benny and his epically infantile, ridiculous and criminal overreaction, I’ve decided to put together some tips on how to get your status liked. These are sure fire ways to garner maximum likes for your posts. Maybe he should have gone this route:

    1. Polarizing political posts:  If you have a few hundred friends or more on Facebook, chances are good that folks from all over the political spectrum are represented in the population.  So say something polarizing – Obama this or LOL Republicans that.  There is most likely going to be a contingent that agrees with you.  And the good thing about political posts is that they snowball in terms of likes.  As soon as the disparaging comments start rolling in from the half that disagrees with you, the side that does agree with you becomes emboldened.  They will be more apt to like your status as a way to take it to the crazy libs or silly cons railing away in the comments.
    2. Semi-obscure song lyrics or movie quotes:  The trick here is the “semi-obscure” part.  Posting lyrics or quotes is a great way to garner likes.  People will want to like your status to prove to everyone else that they are cool enough to recognize the origin of the quote.  But it’s a delicate balance – deciding how obscure to make the quote.  If the lyric or movie quote is too easily recognized, people will think it’s too dumb to like it and just move on.  If the lyric or quote is too obscure, they might not recognize it at all.  Note: It’s better to err on the side of overly obscure.  People might like it in order to rep some sort of super indie-cred, even if they have no idea where it came from.
    3. Get engaged or married:  Given this is a long way to go in order to have a status with dozens of “likes,” when it happens organically, you’ll see the power of the nuptials on Facebook.  If you post a status that you just got engaged or married, you will be inundated with likes.  A photo of the ring on the finger will also garner many likes, but that’s a whole other article on photos.  Women traditionally grab the most likes for their engagement and marriage posts, but guys have an opportunity to score major likes with this kind of post.  Since the long-running cultural joke says that guys don’t want to get married, a man posting excitement about marriage is sure to get tons of likes from female Facebookers.
    4. Bitch about Facebook on Facebook:  “F**k FACEBOOK!!!”  Enough said.  Post that status and the likes will come flooding in.  That’s because the only thing Facebookers love more than Facebook is hating on Facebook.  Bonus likes if you mention anything about privacy settings.
    5. Tony Romo Jokes:  Less specifically, NFL Quarterback jokes.  NFL is the most popular sport in America and the QB is the most high profile position.  Ribbing about their activities, on or off the field, is always a sure fire way to have a hit status.  Play the Ben Roethlisberger/sexual assault angle, the Tom Brady/pretty boy angle or even the Jay Cutler/sucking at football angle – all of these are tried and true response- getters.
    6. Finally, this might work:

    Depending on your physical stature, this post could snag quite a number of likes.

    Joining Mr. Apolinar in the Facebook-using hall of shame are some of these bright citizens. Domestic violence over a Facebook status – more or less ridiculous than they guy who taunted cops with his location on Facebook? How about the guy who posted a play by play of his hostage standoff on the site? Maybe dumber than the people who posted about looting during the Vancouver Stanley Cup riots? Let us know in the comments.

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