There’s an app to tell you what direction you’re facing. There’s an app to tell you what to eat. There’s an app to track your calorie consumption. There’s an app to refill your drug prescription.
Now, behold: there’s an app that lets you map out all your sordid sexploits.
I Just Made Love, developed by SharQ, employs your iPhone or Android smartphone’s GPS function so you can create a map index of all of your sexcapades. Really. But brace yourself because this is more than just a tool for sexual cartography because, for better or worse, IJML lets you include all the gory details of your trysts.
IJML allows users to select from a variety of positions they may have enjoyed while fornicating as well as the option to specify what type of environment in which the encounter occurred. Just had a session of missionary that rocked the boat? You can share that info.
At this point, you may be asking why memory isn’t sufficient enough to document these exciting events? Why would anyone need to use icons of geometry people doing, among other things, the horizontal mambo on the couch?
I’m so glad you ask because this is the best/worst part.
Honestly, I don’t even really know how to break this to anyone gently, so I’m just going to throw this on you directly: if you subscribe to the belief that “good fences make good neighbors” then you’re gonna hate this part because the most scandalous feature of IJML is that you can view a map to see who else around you is sharing their sexy good times via IJML, what kind of sex they were having, and any other drippy comments they’ve decided to include with their post. If you’re morbidly curious enough to see what your neighbors in the community are up to when they’re between the sheets (or elsewhere), be warned: the comments are pretty bawdy and you’ll probably need to spend a few minutes in an autoclave when you’re done.
Are you sorry you asked yet? No. Good. Here’s what you’ll learn if you click on one of those markers created by your adventurous neighbor:
So the next time you accept that invite from your neighbor to attend the annual Memorial Day barbecue, just try to refrain from suspiciously eying the other attendants while considering which of them seems most likely to be the type of exhibitionist that would use IJML.
If you’re not at work right now or if you’re lucky enough to work for an open-minded employer, I cannot recommend enough a visit to IJML’s statistics page on their website if for nothing else than to take a gander at the completely hilarious icons depicting geometry people in various states of sexual congress.
At the risk of ruining the happy ending of this article, I will say that a lot of the markers on the map appear to be old so the people that shared their sexy results might not even be your neighbors anymore. So sleep a little better with that knowledge, I guess.