Sexy fantasies of unending bikini parties arise when talking about the Playboy Mansion. But to former Playboy bunny and Girls Next Door star Holly Madison, life inside its walls could not have been more different than what people perceives.

Madison writes a memoir which tells of her life as one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends living inside the wonderland that is the Playboy Mansion. She reveals the veiled truth about sex, drugs, and backstabbing, ambitious bunnies surrounding her during her life as a bunny. The 35-year-old also shares her feelings of anxiety and the time she contemplated suicide while sitting alone in a bathtub.

Ex Playboy Bunny reveals living in the Playboy mansion nearly drove her to suicide http://t.co/PyZGq8DXsf pic.twitter.com/OKTw4e94Fk

— Metro (@MetroUK) March 21, 2015

“Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny” digs into delicious details on Madison’s darker moments as told firsthand. In a press release, Harper Collins said that “In this shockingly candid and surprisingly moving memoir, this thoughtful and introspective woman opens up about life inside the Mansion, the drugs, the sex, the abuse, the infamous parties, and her real behind-the-scenes life with Bridget, Kendra, and, of course, Mr. Playboy himself.”

“Life inside the notorious Mansion wasn’t a dream at all—and quickly became her nightmare. After losing her identity, her sense of self-worth, and her hope for the future, Holly found herself sitting alone in a bathtub contemplating suicide.”

Bridget Marquardt and Kendra Wilkinson were Madison’s co-stars in The Girls Next Door, which documented their lives living in luxury as Hefner’s girlfriends in 2005.

Holly Madison reveals suicide thoughts while living at the #Playboy mansion in her new book. http://t.co/RY6TJcCtiI pic.twitter.com/evwwwyvIno

— HollywoodLife (@HollywoodLife) March 20, 2015

“I’m excited to finally share my story and what I’ve learned from my personal experiences both inside and outside of the Playboy Mansion,” Madison said in an interview with Us Weekly.

“I think my stories will surprise people and I’m looking forward to lifting the veil of mystique and clearing up the misconceptions so often associated with my life,” she added.

Madison now lives with her husband Pasquale Rotella and 2-year-old daughter, Rainbow.

“Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny” hits bookstores in June 23.

Thanks @usweekly for revealing my book cover for DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE on sale 6/23! Pre… http://t.co/rxOTtxdVJn pic.twitter.com/m2k04lsSol

— Holly Jean Madison (@hollymadison) March 20, 2015