As a human being with at least some pitiful excuse for a heart, I feel that I’m inclined to instruct you not to use this app. Ok, now that’s out of the way – Hey guys, check out this incredible new app!

It’s called BreakupText, and it pretty much does as advertises. It’s an app that constructs breakup texts so you don’t have to. Breaking up via text is pretty low on the respectable ways to break up list, and I don’t even know where breaking up with a text you didn’t even write comes in on that list. I guess it’s like sending out a get well card that you didn’t write….Let’s just face it – we’re all a bunch of insincere monsters and this app is probably pretty useful, ok?

“BreakupText makes it easier than ever to end things with your significant other. No more awkward conversations or phone calls. With BreakupText, you can end your relationship in just a few taps,” says the app’s creators, Digg GM Jake Levine and Texts From Last Night co-founder Lauren Leto.

Here’s one of the messages that BreakupText autogenerated for me to use to break up with my wife (no, I didn’t send it. I’m not suicidal):

Hi, I know you expected to make it to our next anniversary. Maybe beyond, who knows? There was that one night we named our maybe-babies. That was cute. You’re cute. But it’s over between us. We’ve drifted apart. It’s not just your impotency, it really isn’t. And no, this isn’t about that girl at work. It’s us. Ever hear the song Cape Canaveral by Conor Oberst? Of course you haven’t, that was one of our issues. Anyways, we’ve like that. A poltergeist love. And I need at exorcism.

When choosing how BreakupText will construct your breakup message, all you have to do is answer a few simple questions – about the gender of whom you’re breaking it off with, whether it was serious or casual, and what type of excuse you want to use. Those options are ‘I lost interest,” “I found someone else,” and “I was eaten by a bear.”

That last option generates quite the text. I won’t ruin the surprise.

If you’re interested, the app is now in the App Store for $0.99. Use it how you wish, but I hope it will be used for comedy more often than for a serious breakup. I guess I have that much faith in humanity – although I don’t really know why.