@RubinReport
Dave Rubin#BigMac is trending, which means #Diarrhea will be trending about an hour from now. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@robdelaney
rob delaneyOne good way to let people know you’re elderly is to put a full size bandaid on a tiny scratch on your face. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@FirstWorldLife
First World LifeMy dinner was ready at 16:56 so I couldn’t watch anything on TV while eating for four minutes. #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

@pourmecoffee
pourmecoffeePhysicists at CERN announced they haven’t found the Higgs Boson “God particle,” but are bringing in Tebow for some tests. 3 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

@mileskahn
mileskahnSandusky thinks he will prevail in his case. Guess he’s a “glass is half full of children about to testify against me” kind of guy. 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

@tompapa
Tom PapaMarriage is the process of turning your hot girlfriend into your sister. 4 hours ago via Twitterrific for Mac · powered by @socialditto

@badbanana
Tim Siedell“I enjoy working with a hammer, but I don’t want a blue collar job.” – Everyone who eventually becomes a judge. 19 minutes ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

@BorowitzReport
Andy BorowitzThe GOP primary is what American Idol would be if every contestant was the “She Bangs” guy. 25 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

@MarylandMudflap
Scotty L.Some people are scared of snakes. I’m scared of guys from Boston with shaved heads and goatees when “Jump Around” comes on at a bar. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@robfee
Rob FeeI’d say the best way to let a child know they’re adopted is to put “mom” and “dad” in quotation marks on their birthday card. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@JordyHamrick
JordanI’ve probably stumbled into a few rap videos during my weekend visits to Foot Locker. 42 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@Ron_White
Ron Whiteit’s funny my credit score, my blood alcohol content & high school GPA are all the same number (1.2) 2 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

@beerinator
Jonathan SurrattYou’ve heard about “Take your Daughter to work day?” I think we should do that tomorrow, except replace daughters with beer. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@denisleary
Denis LearyNew doll for the holidays: Tickle Me Sandusky. 37 minutes ago via WhoSay · powered by @socialditto

@DuvaChristopher
Christopher DuvaDonald #Trump pulls out. If only his father had done the same. http://t.co/dZFC2DAa @BorowitzReport 37 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@ChrisPaulitzDC
Chris Paulitz#Trump walking away from his “debate” is like a one-handed man walking away from a clapping contest. #gop2012 42 minutes ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto