@PortlandiaGirl
ErinEvery time Snooki smooshes, an angel gets gonorrhea. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@FakeAPStylebook
Fake AP StylebookYes, your “Santorum surges from behind” headlines were clever, but seriously, we’re trying to eat over here. 1 day ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

@NickadooLA
Nick StadlerPossibly the best way to test a potentially bi-curious straight guy is to say, “I’d love to blow someone while they watch the Super Bowl.” 1 day ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@NotBillWalton
The Bill Walton TripRoethlisberger vs Tebow: When Tebow gropes a girl against her will its called The Immaculate Conception & millions celebrate it. Edge Tebow. 24 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@MisFitSays
AnthonyMoney cant buy happiness.. but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle. 26 minutes ago via Buffer · powered by @socialditto

@HAL9000_
HAL 9000Dave says you can’t put a price on a good memory. I can, it’s about $5 a GB. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@MarylandMudflap
Scotty L.The clothes I wear on laundry day make me look like the guy who steals the hero’s food while he’s asleep in every post-apocalypse movie. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@Braunger
Matt BraungerI thought I saw a monkey, but it wasn’t a monkey. It was a cat. Now I’m sad AND stupid. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@BorowitzReport
Andy BorowitzI wouldn’t trust Rick Santorum to run the collating department at Kinko’s. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@FirstWorldLife
First World LifeThere’s no wikipedia article on what I am studying. #FirstWorldProblems 1 hour ago via iTweet for Android · powered by @socialditto

@DannyZuker
Danny ZukerThought McCain might endorse Gingrich as they clearly both purchased their wives at the same factory. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@pattonoswalt
Patton Oswalt“You know where you are? You’re in The Hyatt Terrace Bistro, baby! You’re gonna diiiiiiiiiine!” — Axl Rose, maitre d’ 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

@TheFakeESPN
The Fake ESPNPenn St. hires Bill O’Brien because they thought someone with a strong Catholic name would help distance them from pedophiliac scandals. 3 hours ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto