“50 Shades of Grey” is apparently the book to read if you’re interested in expanding your amorous exploits in the bedroom. It’s the ultimate how-to book for sexual freakiness, wrapped in a narrative that began its life as “Twilight” fan fiction. The popularity of the “mommy porn” novel has exploded as of late, with otherwise unadventurous folks using the novel as guideline for their own naughty experiments. If this is what it takes for people to loosen up about sex, then hey, I’m all for it, regardless of whether or not it’s poorly written.

Those who are looking for the ultimate “50 Shades of Grey” experience should take note of the packages currently being offered up by lodgings such as Hotel Max in Seattle, which gives prospective customers the opportunity to live out their wildest Christian Grey-oriented fantasies. Of course, if you make a big mess — tampon flinging included — chances are you’re going to have to pay a clean-up fee, especially since this place looks a little high-class.

According to their website, the hotel currently offers you the chance to “live out your fantasies with a two-night getaway in an Artist King room on the romantic 8th floor. During your stay, enjoy chauffeured town car service, a helicopter tour of the city and a private four-hour skippered sailing excursion on Puget Sound with gourmet picnic and a bottle of Bollinger Grande Année Rosé 1999 Champagne, a favorite of Mr. Grey himself.” Make sure to bring $1600, because that’s how much this particular package is going to set you back. How conveniently opportunistic!

Not to be outdone, the Heathman Hotel in Portland, Oregon has their own “50 Shades of Grey” adventure. “In honor of Mr Grey’s chopper, The Heathman is offering a ‘Charlie Tango No Limits’ add-on package that includes appetizers and white wine at the hotel restaurant for six people, a helicopter tour of Portland, roses for the women, dinner at the hotel and limo transfers,” says the lodging. The price for this excursion: $2,750.

Is this ridiculous? A bit. If you’re really interested in getting the full “50 Shades of Grey” experience, spend all of that money on BDSM products and stay home. I can almost guarantee you’ll have more fun. If you haven’t read the novel, allow Gilbert Gottfried to introduce you to the mysterious Christian Grey. By the way — the clip embedded below is not safe for work.