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Zombie Apocalypse: More Face Eating In Pennsylvania

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Because there haven’t been any reports in a few weeks, I falsely believed that all this scary zombie nonsense was finally going away. No such luck.

20-year old Richard Cimino Jr. went on quite a spree of madness and destruction last Friday night when he ran his car off the road, broke into a house, was scared off by the homeowners, then broke into another home and, after stripping completely nude, jumped out a second-story window to the great dismay of his bones. He severely injured his arms and legs, but he didn’t let that stop him from running out to the street, where he attacked a woman and began chewing on her face and head while “screaming like an animal”.

Police caught up to him and a tremendous fight ensued, wherein Cimino attacked them and punched an EMT who was trying to treat him. A stun gun didn’t faze him.

If any of this sounds familiar, it’s because it’s pretty much word-for-word what’s been happening all over the country since the first zombie story broke in Miami over Memorial Day weekend. Unfortunately, in most–but by no means all–of the cases, police were able to narrow down the victims’ behavioral patterns as being related to the drug “bath salts”. Officials aren’t positive that Cimino was on drugs, but are awaiting test results because yes he was.

Zombie Apocalypse: More Face Eating In Pennsylvania
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  • Jody

    Actually, the original Miami Zombie didn’t have trace of bath salts in his blood. That was speculation that was proven wrong by a toxicology report. So they have no idea what caused it.

  • jason

    come on. we’re talking about a synthetic drug that has just recently popped up like this. not to mention all the storys of the “zombies” are the exact same. the toxicology report may have not picked it up because it was already out of his system by the time the test was administered. think about it… some drugs can be out of your system within days. and with alcohol, it can be as little as 24 hours. the toxicology report means nothing in this case. and it’s like saying:

    well… it looks like a duck, it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck. i think it’s a cat.