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Titanic II, Sleep Numbers, and Paula Deen

Today's Funniest Tweets

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Titanic II, Sleep Numbers, and Paula Deen
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Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

Enjoy!

The Australian billionaire who is building a replica of Titanic must be stopped if it will mean more Celine Dion.(image) 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

It’s almost the perfect weather for us to feel uncomfortable about our bodies!(image) 2 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Instead of being grounded, Jay Z and Beyonce can discipline their new child by sending him to a Brooklyn Nets game.(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Kim Kardashian wants to star in a sitcom. I guess her whole existence wasn’t enough of a joke for her.(image) 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Weird that Paula Deen’s birth certificate was filled out with decorative frosting and is a cookie cake.(image) 8 minutes ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Anytime Scott Bakula shows up on Yahoo’s “trending now”list I always take a deep breath. Please don’t be dead, Bakula, please don’t be dead.(image) 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

The job of “milkman” is lost to the ages, and with it, the concept of drinking something a stranger left on your porch the night before.(image) 35 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

When I delete an app on my iPhone,
the shaking icons make me feel like they’re all panicked over who’s getting deleted.(image) 33 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

BREAKING: Universal has changed BATTLESHIP’s title to AVENGERS AT SEA; similarly, Fox has changed PROMETHEUS to AVENGERS IN SPACE. #AVENGERS(image) 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

I’m so hungry right now, I’d let Alicia Silverstone spit food into my mouth.(image) 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

My sleep number is unlisted.(image) 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPad ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

On the anniversary of Osama bin Laden’s death, it’s important for us to remember just how deadly bullets to the face can be.(image) 1 hour ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Titanic II, Sleep Numbers, and Paula Deen
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