@BorowitzReport
Andy BorowitzThe Australian billionaire who is building a replica of Titanic must be stopped if it will mean more Celine Dion. 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@hipstermermaid
braden graeberIt’s almost the perfect weather for us to feel uncomfortable about our bodies! 2 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@BScalabrine24
Not Brian ScalabrineInstead of being grounded, Jay Z and Beyonce can discipline their new child by sending him to a Brooklyn Nets game. 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@TheDweck
Jess DweckKim Kardashian wants to star in a sitcom. I guess her whole existence wasn’t enough of a joke for her. 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@robfee
Rob FeeWeird that Paula Deen’s birth certificate was filled out with decorative frosting and is a cookie cake. 8 minutes ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@kapellas
Michael KapellasAnytime Scott Bakula shows up on Yahoo’s “trending now”list I always take a deep breath. Please don’t be dead, Bakula, please don’t be dead. 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@DanaJGould
Dana GouldThe job of “milkman” is lost to the ages, and with it, the concept of drinking something a stranger left on your porch the night before. 35 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@BarbaraTheDoll
NO condom NO sexWhen I delete an app on my iPhone,
the shaking icons make me feel like they’re all panicked over who’s getting deleted. 33 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@DrGMLaTulippe
Geoff LaTulippeBREAKING: Universal has changed BATTLESHIP’s title to AVENGERS AT SEA; similarly, Fox has changed PROMETHEUS to AVENGERS IN SPACE. #AVENGERS 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@BradListi
Brad ListiI’m so hungry right now, I’d let Alicia Silverstone spit food into my mouth. 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@DougBenson
Doug BensonMy sleep number is unlisted. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPad ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@JennyJohnsonHi5
Jenny JohnsonOn the anniversary of Osama bin Laden’s death, it’s important for us to remember just how deadly bullets to the face can be. 1 hour ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto