The Real Lyrics to the Epic Poem O Fortuna

    May 31, 2012

O Fortuna, is the epic medieval poem about the Roman mythological personification of luck, set to music by German composer Carl Orff. If you are unfamiliar with the title, you will recognize it as soon as you hear it. It has been referenced numerous times in pop culture, often to accompany cataclysmic events.

It was written in latin, so unless you look it up, odds are you have no idea what they are saying. Until now. I present to you, the real lyrics to O Fortuna. It’ll make your day:

Gopher Tuna!
Bring more Tuna!
Statue of a big dog with fleas

Some men like cheese…
Hot temperate cheese
Green chalk can taste like hippies
You caught two rocks?
Pet two cool rats
you don’t get cheese or chicken

Play chess all day…
Hold his sock tip
She sold me good, hot chicken
Saucy hot peas
Get me cod, please
Rock talk to boy who believes

Suck juice from moose
Fun, handsome goose
cement pizza? Noobie, please!
Open bra top…
get him locked up
Leaky Aquariataries
Look there! Fruit Loop!
Don’t sue YouTube…
they wrote teh dictionary

Salsa Cookies! Windmill Cookies!
They gave you gonorrhea
This octopus!
Let’s give him boots!
send him to North Korea!

Ow, paper cut! Sand paper, ahh!
Potato soup and Chicken!
Go taste the dip!
It’s made with cool whip!
Make room for aaaaAAAaaaa piece of Lovely Cake

Honestly, it’s a lot better than the original lyrics, which come off as a little emo.

O Fortune,
as the moon,
always dost thou
wax and wane.
Detestable life,
first dost thou mistreat us,
and then, whimsically,
thou heedest our desires.
As the sun melts the ice,
so dost thou dissolve
both poverty and power.

and empty fate,
thou, turning wheel,
art mean,
good health at thy will.
in obscurity,
thou dost attack
me also.
To thy cruel pleasure
I bare my back.

Thou dost withdraw
my health and virtue;
thou dost threaten
my emotion
and weakness
with torture.
At this hour,
therefore, let us
pluck the strings without
Let us mourn together,
for fate crushes the brave.

Sounds like somebody ate too many windmill cookies.

[via: Reddit]