Follow @PatrickMillsaps

Patrick Millsaps
@PatrickMillsaps

With flooded basements and #StarWars7 news, 30 year olds who live with there parents in NYC are FREAKING OUT right now. #Sandy

Follow @JennyJohnsonHi5

Jenny Johnson
@JennyJohnsonHi5

If you’re carrying around a bag of your dog’s shit, the dog won.

Follow @pourmecoffee

pourmecoffee
@pourmecoffee

Disney bought Lucasfilm. I hope they don’t commercialize Star Wars.

Follow @MarylandMudflap

Scotty
@MarylandMudflap

Saw a kid crying in the grocery store. I opened a bottle of A1 and chugged it right in front of him. He stopped crying and started nodding.

Follow @RexHuppke

Rex Huppke
@RexHuppke

The National Weather Service has downgraded Sandy from a Hurricane to a Category 4 Political Football. #Sandy

Follow @JoeMande

Joe Mande
@JoeMande

When will the president tell us the truth about what happened in Fugazi?

Follow @_Snape_

Professor Snape
@_Snape_

We should have known Darth Vader had Horcruxes. #StarWars7

Follow @juliussharpe

Julius Sharpe
@juliussharpe

Crazy how the single most important decision any woman can make is whether or not to have bangs.

Follow @Astinos

Nils Bolle
@Astinos

So, is Randy Newman gonna do the soundtrack? #starwars7

Follow @theNuzzy

david nuzzy nussbaum
@theNuzzy

Business idea for super thin dudes named Gene: Skinny Gene’s Skinny Jeans.

Follow @badbanana

Tim Siedell
@badbanana

80,000 pounds of walnuts were stolen yesterday. Obviously, Al-Qaeda plans to terrorize us by putting them into brownies.

Follow @yoyoha

Josh Hara
@yoyoha

Just once I’d like to see a rapper make it rain self-esteem.

Follow @SamGrittner

Sam Grittner
@SamGrittner

BREAKING: Nerds across country trying unsuccessfully to commit seppuku with homemade light sabers.

Follow @DamienFahey

Damien Fahey
@DamienFahey

Let’s salute the real heroes of Hurricane Sandy. Those brave souls who rushed to Twitter to create Dangling Crane parody accounts.