Follow @sph95

Sean
@sph95

Shia LaBeouf sounds like a French tampon brand.

Follow @GuyEndoreKaiser

Guy Endore-Kaiser
@GuyEndoreKaiser

Johnny Depp and his partner separated. They agreed to share custody of the kids, but are suing the hell out of each other over the scarves.

Follow @DRUNKHULK

DRUNK HULK
@DRUNKHULK

ARSENIO HALL GET TALK SHOW! MICROSOFT RELEVANT! TIME IS PERFECT FOR ZIMA TO MAKE COMEBACK!

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Jeffrey Hadz
@Hadzilla

I thought Roger Clemens was already in jail for having frosted tips when he was a 40 year old man?

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Julius Sharpe
@juliussharpe

At this point, the only reason I use Facebook is to fish for compliments.

Follow @MarvilleAtMe

Caile Drogo
@MarvilleAtMe

I can’t decide whether I want the Shackle Shoes or the Air Amistads

Follow @ZooeyDeschanel

zooey deschanel
@ZooeyDeschanel

Using twitter to call something a “first world problem” is redundant you guys.

Follow @biorhythmist

matt
@biorhythmist

Don’t do misogyny, kids. Bitches hate misogyny.

Follow @MattGoldich

Matt Goldich
@MattGoldich

The guy who vandalized the Picasso painting got greedy. Next time try a Jackson Pollock, no one will know the difference.

Follow @The_Hoy_Boy

Michael
@The_Hoy_Boy

I’d buy a Tempurpedic mattress just so I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.

Follow @firstworldme

First World Problems
@firstworldme

I type faster than Google Instant. #firstworldproblems

Follow @robdelaney

rob delaney
@robdelaney

You know you’re getting old when you forget the name of the street you grew up on and break your hip and die.