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Serial Groper Blames Caffeine for His Curious Behavior

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Serial groper Kenneth Sands, who was recently convicted of inappropriately touching women and teenage girls, attempted to blame his uncouth behavior on caffeine. His reasoning: the drug completely altered his personality, causing him to act in a manner that wasn’t indicative of his true personality. Unfortunately for Sands, the judge wasn’t buying his nonsense, and quickly shut down his peculiar defense.

According to Dr. Martin Blinder, who presented the “Twinkie defense” following San Francisco Supervisor Dan White’s assassination of gay rights activist Harvey Milk, there is absolutely no evidence that caffeine would affect a person in such an extremely bizarre fashion.

“When someone gets depressed and abandons his diet, eats junk food, and if you are already on a downward spiral, I can tell you that eating junk food is not therapeutic,” Blinder explained. “If you ever read the label on a Twinkie, only two of the ingredients sound like food products.” Regarding caffeine, he added, “We have no evidence that coffee is harmful. In fact, there is some evidence that drinking it in one’s old age can assist in some Alzheimer’s cases.”

Sands was arrested after groping two women and three teenager girls at a high school volleyball game on October 18th, 2011. During the game, the 52 year-old bus driver touched a woman’s breast several times, an act he followed up by grabbing her behind as she attempted to move away from him. After the game, Sands reportedly touched two teenage girls before getting onto a bus and doing the same to another girl after boarding the vehicle.

According to court documents, Sands blame his randy antics on an excessive intake of caffeine. As punishment, the bus driver will spend roughly five months in jail.

Curiously, this isn’t the first time such a defense has popped up. In 2010, a Kentucky man was arrested for strangling his wife, an act that the plaintiff blamed on the excessive intake of caffeine from sodas, energy drinks and diet pills.

Serial Groper Blames Caffeine for His Curious Behavior
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  • tressek

    poor impulse control might be aggrivated by caffeine intake/uptake/consumption. but that isnt a cause. grabbing women on the hind end is bad unless you have a specific permission to do so and even then you are taking your life in your hands,so to speak. at least there will be plenty of gropping for him where he is going. Also,staff should not mix- bus drivers got no reason to be around players, players got no reason to run wild thru the crowd,the crowd has no call to run wild thru the streets. and the streets aint got no reason to hang out in yo’ house-its simple, dimple.

  • Steve Johnson

    Molester got cought before he does the unthinkable, 5 years in jail minimum.(period)

  • V-Gurl

    I don’t know why men feel that they can just touch you when they feel like it. Men do not have any entitlement to a womans body. If she is good enough to touch, then she should be good enough to marry. Find you a wife to feel on you old perve. One day you gonna touch the wrong woman and she castrate your @@s and that will be good enough, she can then say, it was the caffeine.

    • laethyn

      Please don’t generalize with “why men feel that they …”. Not all, heck, I’d go so far as to say VERY FEW, men act the way this guy did.

      • wise-fog

        Thank you lae. I think v-g has an over-inflated sense of self-importance.

      • http://n/a maurrice

        right on!

    • KingGod

      Probably a jealous dyke…one too ugly to touch…now shut up and make someone a sammich.

    • g-man

      my wife quit letting me touch when we got married

    • Mark

      Men can touch women because women are weaker. They hould just shut up and get in the kitchen.

    • Timothy Hess

      I know you’re upset that ‘men’ don’t want to touch you, but get over it and yourself! It might just be your personality! Did any woman try and just say, ‘Please don’t do that!’? If any of my friends heard a woman say that and a man persisted, the next thing any of them would say is ‘Are you hearing what she’s saying?’ The next thing is that the man would be taken out at the kneecaps! No hesitation! Never did understand why a man (or a woman) would want to be with someone that didn’t want them around!

    • Casey

      I agree men don’t have the right to do something like this but it goes both ways. Woman don’t have the right to lay hands on a man either and in more than 80% of relationships woman assault the other party and only about 30% of men do. So all this needs to stop on both sides and people need to quit acting like it’s only men assaulting woman when for almost 15 years now women have been doing more of the assaulting then men.

      • http://n/a maurrice

        dude, thats 110% think about it. 80 + 30 = 110. and 1 quick ?. is casey a man’s name, or a woman’s name? you know, like dana, or sometimes kim

  • Milesandson

    I’m bummed I didn’t think of this first.

  • Anya

    A few years ago I was in the Magnolia branch of the post office in Seattle on a Saturday, mailing a Christmas package. I was the last person in a long line that wrapped around into the post office boxes. A man was back there checking his mail and holding his toddler in his arms. As he goes by me, he grabbed by behind and squeezed, and I looked at him in astonishment. I was speechless! The only reason he didn’t get a tirade from me was for the sake of that child he was holding. But I would have liked to slap him silly and put him in his place. I don’t care why someone does something like this; it’s unacceptable. People own their own bodies and unless you have all been invited to touch, DON’T!

    • http://n/a maurrice

      are you sure you didn’t leave out 1 detail? what time? where’d ya go after that? what did ya have for lunch that day? lol. jk

  • Drew

    It NEVER ceases to amaze me how people are coming up with B******T EXCUSES as to why they have problems. The twinkie defense amongst others. Good Gracious, people TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS!!!!, stop blaming it all on society and OWN UP. Makes me so angry to see these people get away with crap like that. And DON’T try and defend this crap, you have YOUR opinion and I have mine. I’m not gonna change your mind and you aren’t gonna change mine

  • Gin Gin Taylor

    HE IS A BIG NASTY DISGUSTING P E R V E R T !!!!

  • John Smith

    When I saw “serial groper” I figured this was about the TSA.

    • cahoogaby Jackson

      I thought it was about rice crispies

    • http://yahoo.com Bill

      I was recently groped at SFO by the TSA. It pissed me off and I let them know it. A TSA agent couldn’t understand why I had my I.D./Drivers License in my shirts top left pocket and proceded to grope my left breast 5-6 times. As a man I was briefly bemused but that bemusement quickly became anger. I told him loudly to get his effing hands off of me. My wife was laughing her ass off. Who knew?

      • http://n/a maurrice

        dude, thats funny as hell!!!! rock on, bud

      • http://n/a maurrice

        fuckin hilarious !

  • cahoogaby Jackson

    Dang prude probably got mad cause he stopped doing it.

  • Shawn

    If he gets fired he can work for the TSA. They need more gropers.

  • http://www.Fsbo-tips.com Tyler Garey

    wow, awesome article.Really thank you! Cool.