Follow @MattGoldich

Matt Goldich
@MattGoldich

I’m glad we live in America. In many countries, the fate of the Affordable Care Act would have been decided on penalty kicks.

Follow @DamienFahey

Damien Fahey
@DamienFahey

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

Follow @badbanana

Tim Siedell
@badbanana

Met a guy at the airport who said he was a child psychologist. Quit living in the past, dude. You’re like 45 now!

Follow @Irant

Kevin Boulas
@Irant

Any word yet from Pat Robertson about what the Christian and very conservative people in Colorado Springs did to deserve this fire?

Follow @iTouch1D

Draco Malfoy
@iTouch1D

I feel like we should wait to hear Adele’s ex-boyfriend’s songs before we choose sides.

Follow @JennyJohnsonHi5

Jenny Johnson
@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet Newtcare would consist of free Yoo-hoo for life.

Follow @shariv67

Shari Vanderwerf
@shariv67

If they pass a mandatory dental care law, I’m moving to the UK.

Follow @brittonlowe

Chris L
@brittonlowe

One bad day for conservatives does not negate their victory getting that severed Bush head removed from Game of Thrones.

Follow @robertdsheridan

Rob Sheridan
@robertdsheridan

If I were the new Paula Deen I’d have nightmares about the old Paula Deen trying to eat me.

Follow @BrianLynch

Brian Lynch
@BrianLynch

I hope Ann Curry’s last words on TODAY are “I guess SOME people find Curry a little too SPICY in the morning” and then she drops a mic.

Follow @conanobrienswyf

Stephanie
@conanobrienswyf

It would be funny if whenever you tried to type a hashtag a hand popped out of the keyboard and broke all your fingers

Follow @biorhythmist

matt
@biorhythmist

Changing my facebook relationship status to married just to get my family off my back.