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Mega Millions, Carson Daly, and Warm Pillows

Today's Funniest Tweets

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Mega Millions, Carson Daly, and Warm Pillows
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Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

Enjoy!

I just watched the Ray Lewis speech and ran in the street and stabbed someone(image) 1 hour ago via Seesmic ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Kids These Days have no idea what it’s like to only have 151 Pokemon.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Carving a picture of tits into my 7th grade desk with a pocketknife was my original Draw Something.(image) 17 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

BREAKING: Greece Buys Mega Millions Ticket(image) 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Just hearing Ray Lewis on tape makes me want to run through a wall and take the fall for first degree murder.(image) 29 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

My excitement for Anchorman 2 was immediately destroyed by the prospect of absolute turds spouting new Anchorman quotes. Constantly.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

I sleep with my arm under my pillow so both sides of the pillow are warm #FirstWorldProblems(image) 1 hour ago via iTweet for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Carson Daly’s homophobic? Oh man, he’s going to freak out when he meets Carson Daly.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

To clarify, Khloe Kardashian has severed ties with “PETA,” not “pizza.”(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Michelle Duggar says that overpopulation is a lie, and 75% of the world’s population agree (they’re Duggars too).(image) 13 hours ago via Twitter for Mac ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

The Mega Millions frenzy proves what they say: A fundamental lack of understanding of the laws of probability makes the world go around.(image) 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Keep in mind that if George Zimmerman had sold Trayvon Martin marijuana instead of shooting him to death, he’d already be in jail.(image) 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

BREAKING: Amazon to close 50 of their “Best Buy” electronics showrooms.(image) 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

All my Draw Something pictures end up looking like bats. DEAL WITH IT.(image) 4 minutes ago via Batcomputer ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Mega Millions, Carson Daly, and Warm Pillows
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