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Magic Johnson, Ninja Turtles, and Museums

Today's Funniest Tweets

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Magic Johnson, Ninja Turtles, and Museums
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Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

Enjoy!

Ugly scene on House floor today: Rep. Bobby Rush wore a hoodie and Boehner tried to shoot him.(image) 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Just bought a Mega Millions ticket at the deli. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna win, so I also bought 363 million bucks worth of yogurt.(image) 16 hours ago via SocialOomph ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Breaking News: JetBlue to charge extra for captains that aren’t insane.(image) 16 hours ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

I saw Alicia Silverstone soaring over my house this morning, searching for prey.(image) 2 hours ago via Twitterrific ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

A Sound That May Play On Loop In Hell: Anyone eating cereal.(image) 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Now Magic Johnson has something worse than AIDS… the Dodgers.(image) 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Dancing with the Stars should call itself “Dancing With The People You Kinda Know From Somewhere But Don’t Really Care Anyways”.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

If black children shouldn’t wear hoodies then Geraldo should shave his mustache so people don’t think he’s a child molester.(image) 1 day ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Megan Fox is pregnant. Brian Austin Green is the father. If you need me, I’ll have my head in the toilet, wondering where it all went wrong.(image) 2 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

In yet another change in the upcoming Ninja Turtles movie, Michael Bay announced today they’ll now be named after sandwich artists.(image) 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Nadya Suleman the Octomom is a M.I.L.F. Mom I’d Like to Forget.(image) 7 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Can America declare Eddie Murphy a tax write-off?(image) 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Kids who drink coffee are assholes.(image) 2 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

I have no respect for people who shit on my lawn through a dog intermediary. Do it yourself, cowards.(image) 4 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Apparently, museums don’t like it when you try to improve the paintings.(image) 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Magic Johnson, Ninja Turtles, and Museums
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