@funnyordie
Funny Or DieTravolta’s lawyer should use the “It was Nic Cage in a John Travolta mask” defense. 1 day ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@clarkekant
Clarke KantIf you stretched your intestines to the moon and back, you’d be dead. 1 hour ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@kkjordan
KimAll of those who oppose gay marriage are totally not seeing the potential of Gay Divorce Court on daytime TV. 50 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@juliussharpe
Julius SharpeI would watch more WNBA if the W stood for “Wolf”. 2 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@IntoWinecom
Into Wine“Remember to buy your mom a bottle of wine on Mother’s Day, because you are the reason she drinks.” #MothersDay #wine 45 minutes ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@andylevy
Andy LevyStraight marriage, gay marriage, whatever. Just stop showing me pictures of your kids and we’re cool. 8 minutes ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@JennyJohnsonHi5
Jenny JohnsonI hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer. 2 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@DamienFahey
Damien FaheyLet’s all get together next Daylight Saving Time and remind North Carolina to set their clocks forward 100 years. 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@FrankConniff
Frank ConniffToday President Obama checked in on Foursquare from a spot located on the right side of history. 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@birbigs
Mike BirbigliaMark Zuckerberg’s nickname should be “I don’t give a Fuckerberg.” 3 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@firstworldme
First World ProblemsMy girlfriend re-tweets my ex-girlfriend. #firstworldproblems 43 minutes ago via twitterfeed ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@JimGaffigan
Jim GaffiganBoy, TSA workers don’t like it when you moan while they pat you down. 3 hours ago via WhoSay ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@RobinMcCauley
Robin McCauleyThe first person to cut their hair must have been TERRIFIED. 4 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto