Jessie’s Girl, Social Media, and Screwdrivers

Follow @HiIariousTed

Ted.
@HiIariousTed

There’s a special place in Hell reserved for people who use hashtags on their Facebook statuses.

Follow @TheFakeCNN

The Fake CNN
@TheFakeCNN

Breaking: Jessie’s girl turns out to be a real asshole.

Follow @jopiazza

Jo Piazza
@jopiazza

This crowd wants more Bill Clinton. Unfortunately he headed out to the VMA’s to explain why Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart broke up.

Follow @shariv67

Shari Vanderwerf
@shariv67

“In case of emergency, break water.” – Fetuses

Follow @Upworthy

Upworthy
@Upworthy

FACT CHECK: Obama “I’m the president.” THIS HAS BEEN VERIFIED, CARRY ON. #dnc2012

Follow @juliussharpe

Julius Sharpe
@juliussharpe

I hate when you reach the point that you recognize all of your co-workers’ pants.

Follow @humphd

David Humphrey
@humphd

All this “you can’t opt out of the ads in the new Kindle Fire” stuff ignores the fact that you can opt out of the new Kindle Fire.

Follow @BorowitzReport

Andy Borowitz
@BorowitzReport

Thanks to social media, our lives are less interesting than ever and we have more ways to share the evidence.

Follow @frankieboyle

Frankie Boyle
@frankieboyle

Part of me will be sad when Rihanna dies and part of me will be glad to see Chris Brown go to the electric chair

Follow @friedmanjon

Jon Friedman
@friedmanjon

“I have an idea for a new kind of screwdriver.” -Phillip

Follow @RonanFarrow

Ronan Farrow
@RonanFarrow

Another earthquake hit LA last night, didn’t even have the decency to hit the VMAs.

Follow @ApocalypseHow

Rob Kutner
@ApocalypseHow

I am definitely better off than I was four beers ago.