Instagram, Kristen Stewart, and Asparagus

Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

Enjoy!

@DannyZuker
Danny ZukerYour mom is about about to get super into Instagram. 36 minutes ago via web · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@TheFakeESPN
The Fake ESPNBubba Watson cries at The Masters jacket ceremony after he realizes it doesnt come in pink. 18 hours ago via HootSuite · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@sjopierce
SJPOf course Mark Zuckerberg bought Instagram. If he can’t own Apple he might as well own hipsters 2nd favorite thing in the world after jorts. 1 hour ago via web · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@MikeDrucker
Mike DruckerKristen Stewart’s creators uploaded a new emotion for her birthday. 1 hour ago via web · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@DamienFahey
Damien FaheyA million dollars isn’t cool, blowing a billion dollars on an app that makes your food look cool is cool. 20 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@PeytonsHead
Peyton’s HeadI hope in NBA 2K13, instead of “Quit Game”, the menu says “Lamar Odom”. 44 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@Jesus_M_Christ
Jesus ChristRough weekend. Glad that’s over. 2 hours ago via web · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@juliussharpe
Julius SharpeI find eating asparagus is probably the best way to start a casual conversation about piss. 2 hours ago via Echofon · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@chrisgampat
Chris GampatSo does this mean that employers will be asking me for access to my Instagram account too? 50 minutes ago via TweetDeck · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@agentbizzle
brian altanoFacebook bought Instagram? And here I was wondering how everyone’s ugly baby pictures could get even uglier. 1 hour ago via TweetDeck · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@cornlog
Richard HoaleMondays are the Kid Rock of days. 3 hours ago via web · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@BorowitzReport
Andy BorowitzI don’t want to be one of those people who’s on his death bed and says, “I didn’t spend enough time on the Internet.” 6 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@hipstermermaid
braden graeberThe sad part is, that instagram guy probably would’ve just traded the app for tickets to Coachella. 20 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · Reply · Retweet · Favorite · powered by @socialditto