Goldilocks, Journey, and Apple Batteries

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Josh Hara
@yoyoha

Twitter is like a colostomy bag for thoughts.

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Not Bill Walton
@NotBillWalton

With his legendary passing ability, Steve Nash will now be responsible for more NBA players scoring in Los Angeles than Kim Kardashian.

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Fresh New Tracks
@freshnewtracks

#UnansweredHipHopQuestions Did Murphy Lee ever find out what the hook gone’ be?

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Shari Vanderwerf
@shariv67

It’s always “Too hard. Too soft. Too short. Too thick.” I’m never inviting Goldilocks to another orgy.

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Joshua Malina
@JoshMalina

Maybe if I join Scientology my wife will leave me and take the kids.

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sevenlayercake
@sevenlayercake

So, is Snoop’s mind on his money OR is his money on his mind OR is it both? #UnansweredHipHopQuestions

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Team Coco
@TeamCoco

Nothing says “summer” more than some friends, the beach, and a human sacrifice inside a burning Wicker Man.

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Alec Sulkin
@thesulk

Just saw a documentary about Journey. It was pretty good but the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on…

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Not Steven Wright
@NotSteve_Wright

According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.

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Michael Ian Black
@michaelianblack

In clinical trials, we have solved every medical problem for mice. I am thrilled for them.

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Mike Drucker
@MikeDrucker

The best way to have a good first date is to be seated next to a couple having a bad first date.

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Andy Borowitz
@BorowitzReport

DID YOU KNOW: The average Apple worker works 16 hours longer than the average Apple battery.