Last week, Facebook began reminding idiots that The Onion, as well as articles from other "satirical" sources, were in fact satire. And like a beaming white patronus in the forest of idiocy, thousands of clueless souls stepped up to provide an immediate example of why Facebook is doing this.
Despite what your stoner nephew may have posted this week, Facebook is not operating its own drug task force and the non existent thing that will never exist has not made any arrests.
Shared hundreds of thousands of times on the social network, an article from The National Report entitled 'Facebook Drug Task Force to Begin Monitoring All Messages October 1st' struck fear in the hearts of people who frequently discuss drugs on Facebook.
National Report is a website specializing in writing things that aren't true. It's satire. Whatever.
Supposed quotes from a DEA spokesman like “The marijuana junkies think they can socialize on the line with their fellow druggies, well, not on my watch – We’re gonna read their messages, we’re gonna build cases against them, and we’re gonna put em’ all in prison, it’s going to be beautiful..."
...and mentions of Menlo Park's "first corporately held jail cell" failed to tip off thousands of people that the article they were reading maybe, just maybe, wasn't entirely on the level.
And so a panic of sorts ensued.
Facebook is starting to become a government website.. They got monitoring , drug task force, access to information.. What else do they need?
— Xavier Marcia™ (@WXavierM) August 18, 2014
Facebook be doing some sketchy ass shit, first they can access our mic and camera with out us knowing, and now a Drug task force? Watch out!
— JZina (@ZEEN_BALL) August 18, 2014
To be fair to @ZEEN_BALL, they're not wrong about that access to mic and camera part.
Facebook doesn't care what you're talking about, unless they can sell you something. Still, just to be safe, I wouldn't make a habit of carrying out your drug deals on Facebook
Image via Jimmy Kimmel Live, YouTube