Follow @badbanana

Tim Siedell
@badbanana

Million dollar idea: Invest a billion dollars in Facebook.

Follow @DamienFahey

Damien Fahey
@DamienFahey

Rush Limbaugh looks like if someone put a normal human being in landscape mode.

Follow @TheTweetOfGod

God
@TheTweetOfGod

Pearl Harbor is one of the great disasters of American history, as was “Pearl Harbor”.

Follow @shariv67

Shari VanderWerf
@shariv67

I’d be more motivated to exercise if pizza didn’t like to be eaten and could run.

Follow @MarylandMudflap

Scotty
@MarylandMudflap

No matter how bad your day is going, the idea of Asian senior citizens shooting flare guns at squirrels should be able to get you through.

Follow @OwensDamien

Damien Owens
@OwensDamien

‘Could I *be* dreaming of a whiter Christmas?’ – Chandler Bing Crosby.

Follow @firstworldme

First World Problems
@firstworldme

My iPad fell on my nose while reading in bed #firstworldproblems

Follow @bobpowers1

Bob Powers
@bobpowers1

Not judging Psy for rapping about killing Americans until I get a look at the accompanying “Kill All Americans” novelty dance.

Follow @BorowitzReport

Andy Borowitz
@BorowitzReport

Unlike in Egypt, Americans use Facebook mainly to protest changes in Facebook.

Follow @SamGrittner

Sam Grittner
@SamGrittner

I can’t afford Nicotine gum so I just always chew some Trident while I’m smoking.

Follow @sofifii

Sophia rossi
@sofifii

When a kid is ugly does it mean their parents weren’t meant to be together?

Follow @DearAnyone

Artie Johann
@DearAnyone

Playing “Words With Friends” is a good way to keep track of when your friends are shitting.