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Tom Cruise, Hanukkah, and War Whores

Today's Funniest Tweets

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Tom Cruise, Hanukkah, and War Whores
[ Social Media]

Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

Today we have a smorgasbord of topics in our daily funniest tweets. It’s Friday, so I’ll just let you dig right in.

Enjoy!

When Tom Cruise is driving, he says “Now in Cruise Control!” with this stupid smirk on his face even when there’s no one else in the car. 2 hours ago via Favstar.FM · powered by @socialditto

Hanukkah is the most American holiday because it’s a celebration of burning oil that we don’t have. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

My condolences to Michelle Duggar for miscarrying on her 20th child. I bet that house is going to feel really empty this Christmas. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

“A horse? Two hours of a frickin’ horse? This is bullshit!” – Man who thought he was seeing a film called ‘War Whores.” 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

The 2nd oldest profession is abortion provider, right? 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

Fruit is always in Cezanne. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

“Holy infant, so tender and mild.” Boy, the baby Jesus sure sounded delicious! 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

I can only have 1 gummy vitamin per day, no matter how delicious they are. #FirstWorldProblems 44 minutes ago via TT Commander · powered by @socialditto

Who in the hell made the decision to put Gallagher on the hundred dollar bill? 47 minutes ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

Can’t wait to sit in the doctor’s office reception area so I can read how to fix meatloaf 3 ways & catch up on 1992. 4 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re probably a worthless piece of shit. 46 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

if rick perry hates gay people so much, maybe he should stop fucking them. 22 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

“That’s enough, Michelle Duggar,” said God. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

Tom Cruise, Hanukkah, and War Whores
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