I regret to inform you all that life as we know it will cease to exist this Friday, October 21st.
That's when the part time biblical numerologist and full time resident of batshitville Harold Camping has predicted as the end of days, the completion of God's final judgment - the rapture.
Of course, if you remember correctly, this is the second date this year that Camping has pegged for the apocalypse. The original end of the world was supposed to have taken place on May 21st , but as you're undoubtedly aware, that day came and went with no incident.
Shortly after his first prediction failed, Camping went into hiding for a couple of days. When he emerged, he had an explanation for why we were all still there. He said that May 21st was sort of a rapture soft opening, with some souls being taken to heaven and the rest of the world left to slog around in some post-apocalyptic hell-on-Earth for a few months. He said that it would no longer happen that way and set October 21st as the hard date for the end of times.
Now we are a couple of days away from that date and Camping has clarified what actually happened on May 21st.
Apparently that day started "God's final judgment," which is, from what I can tell, a period meant to scare the hell out of everyone. Camping says that nobody has been able to get saved since May 21st. Civilizations' Apple Care protection plan ran out on that day and we've all been screwed for a few months now.
And now it's all over on Friday. He released an audio message on his Family Radio website, and here's what you can get out of the incoherent ramblings:
I do believe that were getting very near the very end, we've not known, we've learned that there's a lot of things we didn't have quite right, and that's God's good provision. If he had not kept us from knowing everything that we didn't know, we would not have been able to be used of him to bring about the tremendous event that occurred on May 21 of this year, which probably will be finished out on October 21.
It looks like it will be the final end of everything.
There will be no big display of any kind, the end is going to come very very quietly.
No big display? Sounds like a let down. It's so much cooler in movies.
Much like last time, Twitter is a little bit skeptical of Camping's predictions:
Not 1, not 2, this is the 3rd Rapture prediction for Harold Camping. When he gets proven wrong again, perhaps he will retire down in Miami.
I bet every time Harold Camping announces a Rapture date, Debbie Harry smiles and cashes another residuals check.
And New York City is getting prepared for the rapture, as the site NYC Rapture Readiness has begun to issue these end of days tips -
I wasn't sure that I believed this whole rapture thing until I realized that October 21st is Kim Kardashian's birthday. It all makes sense...