In the July issue of Cosmopolitan magazine, Dallas star AnnaLynne McCord opens up about her troubled childhood and sexual abuse. In the essay she wrote for the publication, McCord explains that she wants to help other women and girls realize that they have a voice, and are not alone.

McCord started by explaining that she grew up in a strict and religious household. Her parents ideas of “discipline” were, in her eyes, abuse. She learned that the people who loved her hurt her, which led to a string of violent and abusive relationships with men.

“I had learned in my childhood, people who loved me hurt me,” McCord said. “I would slap the guys, antagonize them, until I believed they wanted to hit me. My sexual relationships were dark and violently dramatic.”

McCord revealed that her life finally started settling down when she was 16-years-old. She met a guy that she felt an immediate spark with and they later moved to New York City together to continue their modeling careers.

AnnaLynne then moved to Los Angeles when she was 18-years-old. Her boyfriend would soon follow, but she was alone for some time before that. One night, one of her guy friends asked to crash at her house. She explained that they stayed up talking and then she fell asleep. When she woke up, he was in the process of raping her.

“One night, a guy friend called. He said he needed a good night’s sleep for a meeting, as he’d been crashing on someone’s couch,” she said. “I had known him for some time, so I said to come over and I set him up with a clean towel. We sat on the bed and talked for a while, then I fell asleep. When I woke up, he was inside me.”

“At first, I felt so disoriented and numb, I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep,” she continued. “I wondered if I had done something to give him the wrong idea. I felt afraid of making him angry. Believe it or not, I didn’t want to offend him. I just wanted it to be over. My childhood had come back to haunt me again: Because of the physical abuse, I didn’t believe there were borders between other people’s bodies and my own. I didn’t believe I had a voice.”

From then, AnnaLynne’s life spiraled downward. She revealed that she contemplated suicide and even had the pills ready to swallow at one point. Luckily, she realized that death wasn’t a solution. McCord sought professional help that has helped her get to where she is now.

At 26-years-old, AnnaLynne is in a very good relationship, and no longer feels shame for being intimate with him. She explained that she wanted to share her story so other people could learn from her past, and that her past may help them in their future.

“I have my message for women and girls: You have a voice,” McCord said. “Don’t put yourself in a box. Don’t let the polite lies of society silence you. Honestly, I would endure everything all over again — it has led me to my own revolution.”

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