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Week’s Top Searches Hit Rock Bottom

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So the past week of memetic searches ain’t all that exciting; it’s down right vanilla: political self-congratulatory lollapalooza-esque barny-fied elitism, in a vanilla nutshell. We’ll call it an accounting of what’s on the mind of the search world, and expect an up-tick in excitement when Paris Hilton takes it over next week, once more of the world learns of her latest indecent lapse of judgment.

Until then, we make up words to codify and capture what’s going on right now just so we can avoid a yawn that knocks us off of our computer chairs.

Google released its weekly list of top search gainers, Zeitgeist, and if you’re like me (read: arrogant and snotty enough to be disgusted at pursuits not of a particular, pedantic and subject vein), you won’t like it one bit. So, to spare us some boredom, we’ll review the list and ever-so-pretentiously suggest what the collective should be focusing on.

Because, you know, the collective can’t be trustedthey don’t even know what the word “pariah” means when John Kerry uses it in a sentence. Then again, not everybody went to Yale, now did they? Bet I can think of one Yale graduate-turned-leader-of-the-free-world that doesn’t know it either.

Google.com Top Gainers For the Week Ending January 27

1. Hillary Clinton: Because right now we’ll take anything, even if it means we have to stop searching for new pics of Scarlet Johansson for a while.

2. Oscar nominations: Because the judges tried to make us watch that gay cowboy movie, gave Three 6 Mafia an Oscar, dumped Jon Stewart, and nominated Marky Mark for best supporting actor, we hereby revoke their license to pat themselves on the back. Nowhere on the list of nominees is the real best movie of the year: Crank – thank you Jason Statham for being bad as a mother bear. Thank you Amy Smart for being a complete tart.

3. Jacksonville Jaguars: A team not in the Super Bowl this Sunday – something about a center and the ProBowl, which nobody’s going to watch -an indication of the meaninglessness of it all. Expect this spot to be replaced by a dead horse next week.

4. Coachella: The Lollapalooza for Generation Xbox.

5. Indianapolis Colts: Finally, Peyton. All I got to say is, “don’t choke.” And Tim Couch called, he wants his career back.

6. State of the Union: testy

7. Frilled shark: If there were ever a case for extinction, this is it.

8. Chicago Bears: Daaaa Bears! Hey, where’s Ditka?

9. Ron Carey: You know him as Barney, he was a TV cop. No, the other one.

10. Australian Open: Again?

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Week’s Top Searches Hit Rock Bottom
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