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Okay, so you and your buddies are billionaires and you’ve secured this sweet deal with NASA to use Moffett Field. Problem: The fleet of jets—even the one with the hammock, full-on Party To Go compilation, and yes Downtown Julie Brown when she’s available—have gotten boring. How do you up it a notch?

Sergey, Larry, and Eric Discuss Their Next Jet Purchase

Eric: How about a fighter jet?

Larry: Yeah, Sergey can be Goose and I’ll be Maverick.

Goose: How come I always have to be Goose? 

Maverick: Duh, cuz you’re a Russian. Make it Grey Goose, then. And Eric can be Chappy.

Chappy: I think you’ve confused 80’s fighter jet movies. 

Maverick: Okay, so we’re gonna get a fighter jet and we have like tons of money and the pick of the best fighter jets on Earth, but no Russian Migs, Sergey, got it? I’m no Commie…something American, something British, something Israeli…

Grey Goose: Dude! The Dassault/Dornier Alpha Jet which is half German and half French and 100% awesome cuz the Belgians use it. We can buy this one that was built in 1982. Great year for the Alpha Jet. Sweet wheels and Italian leather upholstery. 

Maverick: It’s too slow and too half queer, stupid Euro. Probably has baguettes where the controls should be.   

Grey Goose: I can see you’ve never met a pissed off Belgian.

Chappy: Guys, stop squabbling. It’s a trainer jet, so once we get used to flying it we can get something better. Perfect, right?

Maverick: Yeah and put Google cameras and guns on it and teach it to do math and make a Lego sound system for it and tell Chappy we’re doing it our way this time.

Grey Goose: And get drunk and try to give John McCain flashbacks with too-close fly-bys. Ooh! I bet we can make Ballmer crap his pants!

Chappy: No, we have to let NASA put doohickeys on it so they can do scientific experiments. It’s in our lease. That’s how we get out of paying $113,000 per month.