News Flash: Google's Not Doing Anything

By Jason Lee Miller - Mon, 03/05/2007 - 5:33pm.

Oh how lost we are when there's little or no Google news! Mondays are bad anyway, but this is just silly: Google headlines centering on Google not buying anybody, how things are staying the same at the Googleplex and about how Eric Schmidt said Apple and Google were working together on some things he won't talk about.

Let's review: nothing; nothing; and nondescript something. That's the Google news today.

The first piece of nothing is that Google's not planning to buy or merge with anybody this year. They're going to, instead, gather up their $11 billion in cash and make it into a giant piñata for Cinco de Mayo filled with Mexican girls and the heavy, sticky molasses hopes of Web journalists. Oh how they'll laugh as they don't spend any of that money and take bets (with M&Ms) about what the press will talk about.

Google's certainly not interested in buying Yahoo, so quit bringing it up.

The second piece of not-news is that Schmidt, Larry Page, and Sergey Brin will not be getting a raise this year. They'll be keeping their $1 dollar salary, and their $30 billion in stock. Page and Brin might have said something about this but they were too busy not flying anywhere in their Google Jet and arguing over who gets a turn in the hammock.

Last and certainly not least (because you can't get less than nothing, plus this is almost something making it slightly more than zero, but not quite one), at an undisclosed technology conference in San Francisco, Schmidt didn't talk about the rumor that Apple and Google were working on a tablet computer, but did say the companies were "doing more and more things together," like holding hands in the park and smooching discreetly under the prodigious, antediluvian redwoods.