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Holy smokes! Is there anybody else that doesn't give two flyin' craps about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? Well anyway, he proposed while in Paris (France, not Hilton) at the top of the Eiffel tower, yada yada, shmackety, shmackety, coo and aw, and how romantic and stuff. Most of the following story is true.

Tom and Katie, appeared in all their pretty (and short) glory in the heart of the romantic (and reportedly, stinky) world, Paris, and announced their pending nuptials at a press conference among a rash of "ah hunh huhns" and flashing cameras. A box was provided for Tom to stand on.

The War of the Worlds star "shared smiles and blushes" with his lesser known actress fiance, formerly of the pouty-come-lately wrist-cutter teen TV smash phenom, Dawson's Creek, starring James VanDerPuke, um, Beek.

Cruise was in town promoting the Paris release of his new movie and rendezvoused with Holmes, who was on her way to London to promote Batman Begins, and said something about wanting to meet Big Ben.

Katie was provided with a spotter to share the load of the engagement ring, and may have to check it at the airport if it doesn't fit into the overhead compartment.

"Today is a magnificent day for me, I'm engaged to a magnificent woman," said Tom, still atop his box as he tossed pictures of Nicole Kidman into the wastebasket, replacing them with pictures of Steven Spielberg.

Forty-two-year-old Cruise then handed a "magnificent" lollypop to his young fiance so she wouldn't try to speak to the reporters. She was so happy about the lollypop, Katie pulled her skirt over her head. Cruise blushed again.

"I haven't slept at all," he said as he gave Katie a warning 3 count. She quickly lowered her skirt and pouted a little.

No concrete plans have been made regarding the wedding date, but Katie expressed delight at the thought that Enron Hubble might attend the Scientologist ceremony.

Jason L. Miller is a staff writer for WebProNews covering technology and business.