The Web Fails To Bring Us The Real Britney

Nobody's Seen Anything

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Not that this matters for much of anything at all, but does anybody else find it strange that there are all these reports that Britney Spears is as immodest as a 2 year-old streaker but no pics make it onto the Internet?

So, since the people have had their very own broadcast medium, every indiscreet, accidental nudity moment has been chronicled on the World Wide Web – from wardrobe malfunctions to topless beaches to falling bikini tops to private recordings in the wrong hands to completely faked Photoshopped fantasy pics to pre-fame-to-further-my-career-only shoots to whoopsy-getting-out-of-an-expensive-car-I-accidentally-showed-you-my-


The Paparazzi follow Britney around in decadent, disgusting, depraved swarms, documenting her every move. Yet, no matter how many reports of completely unabashed nudity surface, forgive my forthcoming country-ness, ain’t nobody got a picture of it nowhere.

Not that we should. And not that I’m condoning such behavior or necessarily looking anymore – when she was freshly adorned in schoolgirl outfits and pretending innocence and wholesomeness, the Internet couldn’t get enough and hoped and prayed and begged that one day they’d get lucky and see what MTV wouldn’t show us but Playboy would, even if she refused to do Playboy. At one point in time Britney Spears was a real Jessica Alba.

That’s not the argument  — whether or not we should be presented with the photos or that we should want to see them. I just find it strange that the Internet that has, celebrity or not, splashed sex in front of us at every corner possible, depicting every disturbing deviance imaginable (2 girls 1 cup, anyone?), whether we sought it out or not has failed to produce a truly disrobed Britney all this time despite all of her public nudity.

It’s like the Internet has become some kind of Britney twilight zone. Sure, the pics of Britney (and Lindsay and Paris) getting out a car sans underwear circulated, but they weren’t exactly attractive – those types of scenes generally aren’t – but were kinda unsettling and most of us felt pretty dirty for even looking just once.

But let’s review, shall we?

There are pictures of Britney in a swimming pool making out with a stranger and she is topless. The photos are very Inside Edition friendly, cleavage up. A supposed topless Britney peaks out from behind a dressing room curtain and there’s one snapshot, which is grainy and nondescript. When the cops come to Britney’s house during her custody battle meltdown, she reportedly came out topless and put on a see-through nightgown to cover up. She hung out with a bunch of strippers one night at a strip club and played dress-up with them. And let’s not forget she was caught on video pantsless on a balcony with a paparazzi beau, went swimming in just her underwear in front of everyone, and was pantsless at a club with Paris Hilton.

Most recently – Sunday, actually – Britney was reported to go on a shopping spree with Adnan Paparazzi Whatshisface, where the two of them disappeared into a dressing room, and made "strange noises" before Britney came out stark naked to look at clothes despite the protests from store employees.

We might say she really likes being naked and doesn’t care who sees her. And no pictures anywhere? No camera phones. No nothing.

The Internet, for perhaps the first time, has really let us down. Not that it matters anymore. I think many of us are over her, even if there’s been a place on the Internet for everything else.

Not that I’m looking. Really. 

The Web Fails To Bring Us The Real Britney
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