@reetamac
syreeta mcfaddenSo…Prop. 8 ruling *and* Santorum surge on the same Tuesday? Oh mama universe, you funny. 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@thecajunboy
BrettThink of all the witches Rick Santorum would’ve burned had he been alive in the 1600s. 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@edbott
Ed BottE-mailed PR pitches I didn’t finish reading: “Happy Hump Day!” 1 hour ago via MetroTwit ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@bazecraze
Alex Baze“There is no gawd.” -teen athiest 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@McCainBlogette
Meghan McCainIf Rick Santorum becomes our nominee – it will be the first really significant evidence I’ve seen that the Mayans might be right about 2012. 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@clarkekant
Clarke KantI hope someone else’s life flashes before my eyes when I die, because otherwise BOR-RING. 1 hour ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@God_Damn_Batman
The BatmanAnother Robin died today. Apparently it’s hard to hear Joker sneaking up behind you when your earbuds are blasting Kelly Clarkson. 1 hour ago via Batcomputer ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@FakeAPStylebook
Fake AP StylebookIt is acceptable to refer to all court proceedings as a “trial,” because seriously, you ever sat through one of those things? 2 hours ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@hipstermermaid
braden graeberGoogle Maps satellite view is great because you can pretend that you’re flying while you stalk people. 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@FirstWorldLife
First World LifeMy child prefers Dreamworks to Pixar. #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via iTweet for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@JoeMande
Joe MandeI can’t watch ‘Luck’ or ‘Game of Thrones’ because my dog barks at any horse that appears on screen. #whitepitbullproblems 3 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@TheThryll
Will Phillips“You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” -guy very confused about what cake is 3 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@robdelaney
rob delaneyIf you see the word “Catholic” in a headline, you know it’s bad news. 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@Comedyonedge
Mark WilliamsonLouis Vuitton condoms. Now people can enjoy their partners blowing it all on Louis Vuitton. 14 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@ShawnGarrett
Shawn GarrettRandy Travis arrested for public intoxication in Dallas this morning. Or as country fans call it, Monday. 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@MrBrandonStroud
Brandon StroudRandy Travis arrested for public intoxication, drove his car into three wooden crosses on the right side of the highway. 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@CMPunk
CM PunkThat was Clint Eastwood? I still thought it was Madonna. 20 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@JohnFugelsang
John FugelsangClint Eastwood never realized that the actual Halftime in America involved male dancers in loincloths lipsynching ‘Vogue.’ 6 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@SamGrittner
Sam GrittnerIf Sarah McLachlan and Clint Eastwood teamed up to make a commercial, one single viewing could bum out a country as big as Yugoslavia. 16 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@badbanana
Tim SiedellLove the day after the Super Bowl. Just found a Pizza Roll in my beard. 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@CollegeHumor
CollegeHumorHow long do we think Tom Brady will be upset about the loss after he remembers he gets to put it in Gisele Bundchen? 16 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@jeremyhiebert
Jeremy HiebertI’m really saddened by the news about Syria and Iran today. I really thought Madonna’s ‘World Peace’ sign at halftime would work 4 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@ThisIsRobThomas
Rob ThomasM.I.A. gives the finger at the Super Bowl. ooooooh. she’s SO defiant. 13 year olds the world over snickered. 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@omarg
Omar L. GallagaM.I.A. should just say she was flipping the bird at those GoDaddy ads and everybody would be completely off her case. 5 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@robinlundberg
Robin LundbergWes Welker shaved before the postgame press conference. I guess he couldn’t handle both the drop and that mustache. 4 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@mulaney
John MulaneyWes Welker and his mustache are leaving football to go play for the 1970s Pittsburgh Pirates. 5 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@tompapa
Tom PapaNow that football is over I can return to ignoring my wife and kids for no good reason. 18 minutes ago via Twitterrific ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@donni
donni Just found out Snoop Dogg isn’t even a real detective. 44 minutes ago via Favstar.FM ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@pattonoswalt
Patton OswaltI’m so hungover right now I need to make an “It Gets Better” video for my asshole. 51 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@firstworldme
First World ProblemsI forgot to put a fabric softener sheet in the dryer, now my clothes aren’t as soft. #firstworldproblems 4 hours ago via twitterfeed ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@daudig
Dave GilsonKomen announces new event: Backpedal for the Cure 1 hour ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@BorowitzReport
Andy Borowitz“Abort!” — overheard at Komen headquarters #Komen 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@Disalmanac
DisalmanacUPDATE: Roseanne Barr will run for the Green Party’s presidential nomination. Meanwhile, Tom Arnold will become assistant manager at Arby’s. 22 minutes ago via SocialOomph ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@ShawnGarrett
Shawn GarrettComedian Roseanne Barr files docs to become President. She’s already been endorsed by Hostess, Oreo’s and strawberry milk. 6 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@DeStorm
Destorm PowerToday is National Wear Red Day….ummm not in the hood. 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@FauxJohnMadden
Faux John MaddenGisele asking friends to pray for Tom Brady is like Mitt Romney asking a guy for spare change. 21 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@WarrenHolstein
Warren HolsteinPuppy Bowl to be aired on Food Network in Vietnam. 4 hours ago via TweetCaster for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@DreadfulSinger
Pete Puma“Baby fat” is the weight you put on from eating too many babies. 1 hour ago via HootSuite ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@lindacohn
Linda CohnHas Tim Tebow commented on the future of Peyton Manning yet because I think everybody else has.
#sb46 17 minutes ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@rayadverb
Dave BarryI think this Super Bowl could come down to a question of who scores the most total points in the allotted time. 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@TheBosha
The BoshaThe trouble with doctors is that if I liked someone telling me everything is my own fault all the time I’d still be married. 31 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@firstworldme
First World ProblemsMy school started its own meme page on facebook. #firstworldproblems 1 hour ago via twitterfeed ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@TheFakeESPN
The Fake ESPNKobayashi beats record after eating 337 wings at the “Wing Bowl,” or as Rex Ryan refers to it, “Lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings.” 1 hour ago via Twitter for Mac ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@thebrianposehn
Brian PosehnI don’t need to read articles or books on atheism. My dog’s farts assure me we are all alone. 2 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@friedmanjon
Jon Friedman“More like Sir Twix-a-Lot.” -What I’m waiting to say if I ever see an extra overweight Sir Mix-a-Lot 2 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

@mikedicenzo
Mike DiCenzoJust realized that, in “Groundhog Day,” Bill Murray also experienced a never-ending Black History Month. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@DRUNKHULK
DRUNK HULKWATCH PEOPLE REACT TO WATCHMEN PREQUEL LOT LIKE WATCH KRISTEN BELL MEET SLOTH! 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@TheAngryDM
ScottTomorrow’s Groundhog Day. Remember: If the groundhog doesn’t see its shadow, winter is over. If it doesn’t see its reflection, its a vampire 46 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

@jaybaer
Jay BaerThe Super Bowl is single-handedly keeping cursory knowledge of Roman numerals alive. 3 hours ago via ConvinceandConvert · powered by @socialditto

@BenVolinPBP
Benjamin VolinTom Brady on growing up with 3 older sisters: “They dressed me up a few times in their clothes and painted my nails once, but it was nice.” 4 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

@DamienFahey
Damien FaheyHappy Black History Month. I can say that because some of my best friends are history majors. 27 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@BorowitzReport
Andy BorowitzTo mark Black History Month, I propose a month of silence from Newt Gingrich. 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

@travishelwig
Travis HelwigHappy Ignorant White People Posting Angry Updates About Black History Month on Facebook Month 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@JohnFugelsang
John FugelsangNewt Gingrich isn’t pulling out just yet but promises he will before it’s too late. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@ConanOBrien
Conan O’Brien.@MittRomney won the Florida primary. Amazing how much better he runs when he’s left in the charger for the full 8 hours. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@firstworldme
First World ProblemsI’m on an annual salary and it’s a leap year so I have to work for free for a day #firstworldproblems 5 minutes ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

@MarylandMudflap
Scotty L.Someone please tell my parents that I’ll stop calling them when I’m drunk when they start sending me to Space Camp. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@toddbarry
Todd Barry#3WordsThatWomenHate 1.IBoughtAGallonOfYour 2.FavoriteIceCream 3.ButIAteItOnTheRideBackFromTheGroceryStore 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@TheFakeESPN
The Fake ESPNIn an attempt to salvage lost commitments, Penn State is offering a signing bonus which includes a taser, pepper spray & a rape whistle. 3 hours ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto

@JennyJohnsonHi5
Jenny JohnsonBlack History Month should be called “Four Weeks Of Morgan Freeman’s Voiceover Work” 3 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

@Justin_Stangel
Justin StangelSoul Train creator Don Cornelius has passed away. Lately we’ve lost many talented performers and Corey Haim 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@funnyordie
Funny Or DieIt wouldn’t be entirely surprising to learn that Thailand is located in Mexico. 19 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@kirkmorrison
Kirk MorrisonIf you are having a bad day today, take a step back and think about what Blake Griffin did to Kendrick Perkins. #GuaranteedSmile 2 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

@PeytonsHead
Peyton’s HeadAfter Blake Griffin’s dunk, Kendrick Perkins has been downgraded to Kendrick Waffle House. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@sv_troutgirl
Joyce ParkGood thing the #SuperBowl is buying promoted status on Twitter because god knows without that we’d never hear anything about the event. 6 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@markfollman
Mark FollmanWhich fake presidential candidate has raised more cash, Sarah Palin or Stephen Colbert? http://t.co/MdrM8dLa 43 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@FirstWorldLife
First World LifeI am becoming suspicious that if I had a problem, Vanilla Ice would not really solve it. #FirstWorldProblems 2 hours ago via iTweet for Android · powered by @socialditto

@pourmecoffee
pourmecoffeeTomorrow is FL primary, and Thurday is Groundhog’s Day. If Mitt still sees Newt’s shadow, it’s six more weeks of debates. 20 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@KenTremendous
Ken TremendousI just legally moved to Florida, registered to vote, and cast 1000 ballots for Moon Gingrich as Lord Protector of Moontopia. 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@NFLonTheHill
Joe BrowneGOP primary exit polls in Florida at 4pm indicate 82% of seniors there have voted today…and also already have had dinner. 17 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@TheTweetOfGod
GodThey’re voting in Florida. That always bodes well. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@theNuzzy
david nuzzy nussbaumI feel like I’ve stood in this line before. Probably just déjà queue. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

@biorhythmist
mattWhen lunch becomes whatever you can reach without getting up, you may want to rethink some life choices. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@meganamram
Megan AmramYou can’t spell “ducking” without “autocorrect” 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@juliussharpe
Julius SharpeI will vote for any candidate who promises to outlaw cash bar weddings. 3 hours ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

@shariv67
Shari VanderwerfI’m like the reverse Michael Jackson. I always wanted to be black. I’m sexually attracted to adults, and I have no talent whatsoever. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@Smethanie
StephanieHonk your horn at a red light. You can tell which drivers are staring at their phones by who moves without looking up. 8 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

@BorowitzReport
Andy BorowitzFor those who missed the Republican debate, there’s a great piece about it in the Book of Revelation. 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@ChrisFranjola
Chris FranjolaFerris Bueller and Madonna at the Superbowl? Did NBC get that Delorean up to 85? 56 minutes ago via Twitter for iPad · powered by @socialditto

@MurphyKeith
Keith MurphyIt’s almost noon. Does anyone have an update if Liam Neeson has punched a wolf right in the forehead yet? 3 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

@DocShaner
Doc ShanerUp until about a week ago I thought The Grey was a Civil War movie. I wish they’d just called it “Liam Neeson punches all the wolves”. 25 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@beetommy
Thomas BarberHappy National Chocolate Cake Day? The other types of cake are feeling left out. I’ve just seen an emotional wedding cake. It was in tiers. 54 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@FauxJohnMadden
Faux John MaddenESPN execs somewhere: “Quick, how do we tie Tim Tebow to this Peyton Manning storyline?” 1 hour ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

@PeytonsHead
Peyton’s Head“God, when will they stop talking about all of this Peyton Manning stuff?” — Brett Favre 4 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@DRUNKHULK
DRUNK HULKBET GINGRICH’S CURRENT MISTRESS WONDER WHEN SHE GET PROMOTE TO WIFE! 26 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@firstworldme
First World ProblemsNone of my ex-girlfriends have gotten fat yet. #firstworldproblems 31 minutes ago via twitterfeed · powered by @socialditto

@Coastiefish
Matt SmithThe sound my computer makes when it’s logging off on a Friday is better than anything they play in the radio. 58 minutes ago via twicca · powered by @socialditto

@DamienFahey
Damien FaheyGary Busey speaks in Wingdings font. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@ahelvie
AndrewThis real estate agent is one handsome guy. No homeowner. 26 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@alexblagg
Alex BlaggThe cutest things are pug puppies, mixed-race babies, and hipsters working out at the gym. 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

@GreenishDuck
Zachary?“Let’s get this show on the road!” –suicidal thespian deer 3 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry® · powered by @socialditto

@clarkekant
Clarke KantThe sentence “I never said he licked my asshole” has 7 different meanings depending on the stressed word. 2 hours ago via Tweetbot for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

@yoyoha
Josh HaraEvery time you scoop Ben & Jerry’s out of the container and into a bowl, God has a little chuckle. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@Tom_Bergeron
Tom BergeronPat Sajak cops to being behind the Wheel (of Fortune) while intoxicated. So what? For 6 years I hosted Hollywood Squares with no pants. 17 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@briandunkleman
brian dunklemanPat Sajak admits to hosting Wheel of Fortune while intoxicated. Big deal, I hosted an entire season of Idol without a soul 2 hours ago via Twitter for Android · powered by @socialditto

@drewtoothpaste
drewtoothpasteMillions of people drink at work and Pat Sajak is the only one to get a news story. Looks like the 99% loses again. 3 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@TheOnion
The Onion“Joe Paterno gave me a place where I could reach my full potential.” – Jerry Sandusky http://t.co/yLE7wwa5 22 hours ago via HootSuite · powered by @socialditto

@theharryshearer
Harry ShearerTo honor the memory of Joe Paterno, Jerry Sandusky observed a minute of silent horsing around in the shower. 1 day ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@bsgross606
Brad GrossIf Red Bull #GivesYouWings, Adderall is at least a jetpack 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@randiradio
Randi RhodesJan Brewer: “I hope [Obama] takes some of the lessons of Arizona back with him to Washington.” Yeah, like more funding for mental health. 45 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@YourFavWhiteGal
jac of all trades. Pat Sajak admits to hosting Wheel of Fortune drunk. Pretty soon Vanna White will admit to never sitting next to Nelly on an airplane. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@MlTTR0MNEY
Willard Mitt RomneyThat Jan Brewer is a card. Someone put their finger in my face once. I fired him then ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@DCdebbie
DC DebbieWhen “Jan Brewer” trends on twitter, I usually guess she’s either found headless bodies or is doing something racist or both. 5 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@truthncomedy
TruthnComedy™We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap. 40 minutes ago via LaterBro.com · powered by @socialditto

@mileskahn
mileskahnYou Will Meet a Tall Dark Strangler #WoodyAllenHorrorMovies 52 minutes ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

@pstoneharris
Phillip S HarrisAnnie Holocaust #WoodyAllenHorrorMovies 28 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@mbizar
Michael BizarHannah and Her Fisters #WoodyAllenHorrorMovies 7 minutes ago via UberSocial for BlackBerry · powered by @socialditto

@alexblagg
Alex BlaggNow can we all finally agree that “Sajacked” is the best possible euphemism for getting wasted? 1 hour ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

@thesulk
Alec SulkinOn behalf of Neil Young I’d like to declare total victory over Lynyrd Skynyrd. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@JohnBoy
JOHN BOY YaBOY™After seein Rihanna get “Thug Life” tatted on her knuckles, i think we all owe Chris Brown an apology. 1 hour ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@dpicco
dpiccoThe stomach pain it causes almost never develops into diarrhea. #LittleThings 22 minutes ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto

@mrLdavis
LeTroy GodashianWayment. Rihanna got a thug life tattoo in pink? Tupac didnt die on the cross for that. 36 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@ScottChernoff
Scott ChernoffTrending today in the United States: Navy Seals, Thug Life, Cheese Quesadilla. President Obama was right – the state of our union IS strong. 2 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@JosephScrimshaw
Joseph ScrimshawLast night’s dream: Obama’s joke writers were posted at the borders, doing stand up to deter people from entering America. 5 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

@VanityFair
VANITY FAIRDo you think if Obama said really quickly, “Everyonebutericcantorclap,” it would trick Eric Cantor into clapping? 18 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

@JShahryar
Josh ShahryarIt’s settled. Eric Cantor is of House Slytherin. #SotU 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@half__ro
HalfroI’m sick of finding uidentifiable #littlethings in my burgers and fries 29 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

@realjeffreyross
Jeffrey RossNever realized John Boehner is Mexican. He has a better tan than the Secretary of Agriculture who is outside all day #SOTU 18 hours ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@JoeMande
Joe MandeWatch John Boehner and imagine that he’s discretely using a fleshlight. It’s hilarious. #SOTU 18 hours ago via TweetDeck · powered by @socialditto

@God_Damn_Batman
The BatmanEver walk through a museum and think, “man, could I make a hell of an entrance through that skylight.” 2 minutes ago via Batcomputer · powered by @socialditto

@RobinMcCauley
Robin McCauleyI use Facebook to show my friends that I don’t need to be married or have children to be unhappy. 11 minutes ago via Echofon · powered by @socialditto

@yoyoha
Josh Hara“Not all Germans were mean” – Schindler’s List in tweet form 21 minutes ago via Twitter for iPhone · powered by @socialditto

@BorowitzReport
Andy BorowitzObama vs. Gingrich would be like Seal Team Six vs. Beached Whale One. 30 minutes ago via web · powered by @socialditto

@TheFakeESPN
The Fake ESPNRoger Goodell extends his contract by 5 years, or as James Harrison measures it, $900,000 in fines. 38 minutes ago via Twitter for Mac · powered by @socialditto