Follow @JennyJohnsonHi5

Jenny Johnson
@JennyJohnsonHi5

Snoop Dogg changed his name to Snoop Lion and says he’s Bob Marley reincarnated, proving you can actually overdose on marijuana.

Follow @shariv67

Shari VanderWerf
@shariv67

Bad to the Bone is my favorite song about osteoporosis.

Follow @firstworldme

First World Problems
@firstworldme

My Xbox broke. Now I have to watch Netflix on my iPad. #firstworldproblems

Follow @PimpBillClinton

Bill Clinton
@PimpBillClinton

There’s something about a motorized cart that turns a handicap person into an asshole.

Follow @michaelianblack

Michael Ian Black
@michaelianblack

I don’t watch awards shows because I am incapable of being happy for anybody.

Follow @MattGoldich

Matt Goldich
@MattGoldich

Lance Armstrong to Admit to Oprah That Cycling is Boring

Follow @Coastiefish

Ron Mexico
@Coastiefish

I think my house plants are addicted to Coca Cola. Things turn brown when they’re addicted, right?

Follow @ScottAukerman

Scott Aukerman
@ScottAukerman

Congrats to Tommy Lee Jones for his brave fight against humor!

Follow @juliussharpe

Julius Sharpe
@juliussharpe

I like to pretend I’m on “American Idol” by holding a piece of paper with a number on it and running out of a room like an idiot.

Follow @ditzkoff

Dave Itzkoff
@ditzkoff

If you don’t think Daniel Day-Lewis deserves the Oscar already, that was him playing Bill Clinton just now.

Follow @piersmorgan

Piers Morgan
@piersmorgan

ZING! ‘When it comes to torture, I trust the lady who was married to James Cameron for 3 years…’ Amy Poehler, take a bow. #goldenglobes

Follow @robdelaney

rob delaney
@robdelaney

I think Ben Affleck is “winning all these awards” because he’s “fucking great at what he does.”

Follow @Disalmanac

Disalmanac
@Disalmanac

UPDATE: The horrific torture scenes in “Zero Dark Thirty” are actually just random scenes from the “Twilight” movies.

Follow @TheFakeCNN

The Fake CNN
@TheFakeCNN

Breaking: Zooey Deschanel caught with 30 kilograms of quirk.

Follow @StevenAmiri

Steven Amiri
@StevenAmiri

So glad that Justin Timberlake is bringing back Arrested Development.

Follow @ApocalypseHow

Rob Kutner
@ApocalypseHow

One day the words “Frampton Comes Alive” will be a terrifying warning to go board up your doors.

Follow @jimmyfairplay

Jimmy Fairplay
@jimmyfairplay

Megan Fox quit Twitter because she couldn’t “discern it’s [sic] purpose” which, coincidentally, is why I quit Megan Fox.

Follow @FirstWorldLife

First World Life
@FirstWorldLife

The first Zelda game I played was Ocarina of Time so every other one has been a slight disappointment. #FirstWorldProblems

Follow @michelleisawolf

Michelle Wolf
@michelleisawolf

Where will Tim Tebow be next season? I’m not sure, but we can definitely rule out the Jets and a vagina. #Tebow2013

Follow @ChrisRRegan

Chris Regan
@ChrisRRegan

Just labeled a “Little Debbie’s Snackcake” ad on Facebook as “Sexually Explicit.” I’m on a watchlist now, right?

Follow @yoyoha

Josh Hara
@yoyoha

FYI: if you ask more than zero questions when ordering at Chipotle the people behind you in line will murder you.

Follow @DamienFahey

Damien Fahey
@DamienFahey

Lincoln is up for 12 Oscars including Best Picture, Best Director and Movie That’s Almost As Long As It Takes to Load iPhoto.

Follow @thesulk

Alec Sulkin
@thesulk

Might be an alcoholic just so I can be something.

Follow @TheTweetOfGod

God
@TheTweetOfGod

“WHO WANTS A PIECE OF ME?!?” – Jesus, at the first Communion.

Follow @nealbrennan

Neal Brennan
@nealbrennan

In my house, fiddling with the new google maps for iPhone and shouted to myself, “I can’t wait to have to go someplace!”

Follow @birbigs

Mike Birbiglia
@birbigs

I hope no terrorists know how to hop over airplane food carts.

Follow @dwiskus

Dave Wiskus
@dwiskus

Will I enjoy The Hobbit even if I haven’t seen the rest of the Harry Potter movies?

Follow @MattGoldich

Matt Goldich
@MattGoldich

Inventor of the bar code dies at 91. Several burial attempts will be made before a manager is called to enter him into the ground manually.

Follow @juliussharpe

Julius Sharpe
@juliussharpe

Guy Fieri opening a restaurant is like Casey Anthony putting out an album of lullabies.

Follow @juliussharpe

Julius Sharpe
@juliussharpe

J. Crew makes some great outfits to ineffectually stand there while your wife is mugged.

Follow @JoshuaDynamite

Joshua Dynamite
@JoshuaDynamite

North Korea is the Lindsay Lohan of the world. Still around, but nobody knows why.

Follow @OhDuarte

Duran Durante
@OhDuarte

A plot to “murder and castrate” Justin Bieber was foiled when the killer’s knife kept slipping off Bieber’s sexless plastic body.

Follow @robdelaney

rob delaney
@robdelaney

With the new Google maps app, it’s much easier to locate hemorrhoid cream or cocaine while “on the go.”

Follow @alexblagg

Alex Blagg
@alexblagg

“Food photographer” is a very cool way of saying “human being with a functioning camera”.

Follow @sweet_toof

Jeffrey Brian
@sweet_toof

Fiscal Cliff sounds like a Sesame Street character that teaches kids about taxes

Follow @JennyJohnsonHi5

Jenny Johnson
@JennyJohnsonHi5

It’d be funny if everyone told their kids Steve Buscemi is the tooth fairy.

Follow @ComedyCentral

Comedy Central
@ComedyCentral

They’re making an Angry Birds movie. It’s part of Hollywood’s new trend of films based on things you do while you poop.

Follow @kellyoxford

kelly oxford
@kellyoxford

When the kids are being too loud I tell them their faces went through my vagina and then they shut up and run away.

Follow @mattufford

Matt Ufford
@mattufford

Superman! The hard-luck bulletproof underdog with X-ray vision who can fly and shoot lasers from his eyes! Sure hope he beats the odds!

Follow @funnyordie

Funny Or Die
@funnyordie

It’s humbling to know a monkey wearing a coat in Ikea has touched the world more than you ever will.

Follow @robdelaney

rob delaney
@robdelaney

The Japanese word for fart translates literally to “beef whisper.”

Follow @bazecraze

Alex Baze
@bazecraze

If at first you don’t succeed, your next text is gonna seem desperate.

Follow @robdelaney

rob delaney
@robdelaney

Just told my Secret Santa I murdered a plumber in Vermont in 1995 or is that not how it works?

Follow @GuyEndoreKaiser

Guy Endore-Kaiser
@GuyEndoreKaiser

Dave Hester is suing Storage Wars for $3,750,000. They should give him 50 couches and an old treadmill and tell him it’s worth the same.

Follow @dresdencodak

Aaron Diaz
@dresdencodak

How great would it be if at the end of The Hobbit, they just started playing Smashmouth

Follow @BreadFoster

Bread Foster
@BreadFoster

If you’re planning a shooting during The Hobbit, you’d better use arrows or the nerds in costumes will get pissed.

Follow @ZombieRiot

Eric Weiss
@ZombieRiot

The #McDProBowl is a toilet for the morbidly obese, right?

Follow @badbanana

Tim Siedell
@badbanana

Here’s my idea: Inedible Arrangements. Just like Edible Arrangements, except with plastic fruit so it lasts longer.

Follow @kellyoxford

kelly oxford
@kellyoxford

Get into the Christmas spirit by remembering how cool Joseph was about an invisible guy impregnating his lady Mary.

Follow @TheThryll

Will Phillips
@TheThryll

Tchaikovsky is probably my favorite composer that’s also a sneeze.

Follow @DemetriMartin

Demetri Martin
@DemetriMartin

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.

Follow @robdelaney

rob delaney
@robdelaney

If you’re a white guy with dreads, your name is Xander. Even if it isn’t.

Follow @jimmykimmel

Jimmy Kimmel
@jimmykimmel

If you have to Shazam a song at a concert, you probably should not be at that concert

Follow @JimGaffigan

Jim Gaffigan
@JimGaffigan

I’m just glad it’s illegal to eat healthy during December.

Follow @SeinfeldToday

Modern Seinfeld
@SeinfeldToday

Bania steals jokes from Jerry’s tweets. George lies on @foursquare to avoid his parents. Kramer leads the less popular #Kony2013 campaign.

Follow @firstworldme

First World Problems
@firstworldme

My Macbook Air is cold on my legs. #firstworldproblems

Follow @friedmanjon

Jon Friedman
@friedmanjon

I’m an adult, I don’t have to wait until Easter to eat a chocolate rabbit.

Follow @jakeandamir

Amir Blumenfeld
@jakeandamir

Happy Hanukkah/Chanukkah! A Holiday so nice they spelled it twice.

Follow @jasonpermenter

Jason Permenter
@jasonpermenter

I have 8 Google Wave invites left hit me up

Follow @JennyJohnsonHi5

Jenny Johnson
@JennyJohnsonHi5

If you don’t shave or wax your pubes and you wear panty hose with no underwear, your crotch looks like Vlade Divac robbing a gas station.

Follow @badbanana

Tim Siedell
@badbanana

Million dollar idea: Invest a billion dollars in Facebook.

Follow @DamienFahey

Damien Fahey
@DamienFahey

Rush Limbaugh looks like if someone put a normal human being in landscape mode.

Follow @TheTweetOfGod

God
@TheTweetOfGod

Pearl Harbor is one of the great disasters of American history, as was “Pearl Harbor”.

Follow @shariv67

Shari VanderWerf
@shariv67

I’d be more motivated to exercise if pizza didn’t like to be eaten and could run.

Follow @MarylandMudflap

Scotty
@MarylandMudflap

No matter how bad your day is going, the idea of Asian senior citizens shooting flare guns at squirrels should be able to get you through.

Follow @OwensDamien

Damien Owens
@OwensDamien

‘Could I *be* dreaming of a whiter Christmas?’ – Chandler Bing Crosby.

Follow @firstworldme

First World Problems
@firstworldme

My iPad fell on my nose while reading in bed #firstworldproblems

Follow @bobpowers1

Bob Powers
@bobpowers1

Not judging Psy for rapping about killing Americans until I get a look at the accompanying “Kill All Americans” novelty dance.

Follow @BorowitzReport

Andy Borowitz
@BorowitzReport

Unlike in Egypt, Americans use Facebook mainly to protest changes in Facebook.

Follow @SamGrittner

Sam Grittner
@SamGrittner

I can’t afford Nicotine gum so I just always chew some Trident while I’m smoking.

Follow @sofifii

Sophia rossi
@sofifii

When a kid is ugly does it mean their parents weren’t meant to be together?

Follow @DearAnyone

Artie Johann
@DearAnyone

Playing “Words With Friends” is a good way to keep track of when your friends are shitting.

Follow @SamGrittner

Sam Grittner
@SamGrittner

“Santa used Apple Maps, I’m sorry baby.” – How a lot of poor kids are going to get consoled this year

Follow @bjnovak

B.J. Novak
@bjnovak

There should not be a moment in the next Finding Nemo movie in which the fish stumble across the body of Bin Laden

Follow @indecision

Indecision
@indecision

Washington legalizing gay marriage and pot is like the setup to a madcap romcom starring Nathan Lane and Snoop Dogg.

Follow @kylekinane

Kyle Kinane
@kylekinane

“YOLO!”–drunk Dalai Lama

Follow @RubenBolling

Ruben Bolling
@RubenBolling

The Hobbit, Part 1 covers only the indicia of the book. Publication date, copyright notices, etc. Andy Serkis plays the ISBN number.

Follow @TheThryll

Will Phillips
@TheThryll

Fuck you, holidays that fall on a weekend.

Follow @JoshMalina

Joshua Malina
@JoshMalina

I hope Angus T. Jones has nicer things to say about Celebrity Rehab when he’s on that.

Follow @MattGoldich

Matt Goldich
@MattGoldich

Apple announces plans to begin manufacturing computers in the U.S. Because they are devoted to creating jobs for American kids.

Follow @PhillyD

Philip DeFranco
@PhillyD

Do you think now that John McAfee has been arrested he’ll have a 21 day free trial?

Follow @TheBosha

The Bosha
@TheBosha

Is somebody watching the Germans?

Follow @ghettosexual_

PRINCE CHARMING
@ghettosexual_

let’s have a moment of silence for anyone who will receive a pair of crocs for christmas

Follow @badbanana

Tim Siedell
@badbanana

Every morning I wake up and check my dreamcatcher and there’s never a breakfast burrito in it so what a ripoff.

Follow @BorowitzReport

Andy Borowitz
@BorowitzReport

Hanukkah is the most American holiday because it’s a celebration of burning oil that we don’t have.

Follow @JermHimselfish

Jerm Himselfish
@JermHimselfish

I’ve been preparing for the zombie apocalypse my whole life by ordering my steaks rare and being completely dead inside.

Follow @PeytonsHead

Peyton’s Head
@PeytonsHead

Samantha Steele is engaged to Christian Ponder? Right. Like he could complete the proposal. He must have given the ring to Adrian Peterson.

Follow @yoyoha

Josh Hara
@yoyoha

Step 1: Tell everyone you’re going on a diet Step 2: Eat whatever you want Step 3: Shrug

Follow @JElvisWeinstein

Josh Weinstein
@JElvisWeinstein

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, now he’s moving in and we’re all supposed to call him Kris and not touch his stuff.

Follow @blainecapatch

blaine capatch
@blainecapatch

fedex attempted delivery during the split-second i was out moving my car and said they’ll try again tomorrow when i’m in the shower.

Follow @NotANark

Not A Cop
@NotANark

Anybody wanna swap meth recipes?

Follow @EugeneMirman

Eugene Mirman
@EugeneMirman

Do you think executives at History Channel ever have meetings and reminisce about the days where you could just tell stories about Hitler?

Follow @StephenMarche

Stephen Marche
@StephenMarche

I’m excited about the Pope’s Twitter feed. Twitter and infallabilty go well together.

Follow @michaelianblack

Michael Ian Black
@michaelianblack

Hopefully Kate Middleton doesn’t miscarry because then Elton John will write a song about it.

Follow @kumailn

Kumail Nanjiani
@kumailn

The Pope hasn’t tweeted yet and already has half a million followers. Seems a good analogy for most religion.

Follow @bazecraze

Alex Baze
@bazecraze

Oh Tuesday. You are the Director’s Cut of Monday.

Follow @JordyHamrick

Jordan
@JordyHamrick

The thought of a zombie apocalypse sounded cool until I remembered how close to the TV I sat when playing Duck Hunt as a child.

Follow @bazecraze

Alex Baze
@bazecraze

Oh, no thanks. I’m still fucked up from the first 18 years I followed the pope.

Follow @FirstWorldLife

First World Life
@FirstWorldLife

I have to turn my Xbox controller back on to play the next episode of Breaking Bad. #FirstWorldProblems

Follow @yoyoha

Josh Hara
@yoyoha

Every arrangement is edible if you’re hungry enough.

Follow @jambajim

jim cantiello
@jambajim

Add Lindsay Lohan/Katt Williams to my growing list of Amazing Race teams I want to see.

Follow @rainnwilson

RainnWilson
@rainnwilson

Everyone who had goth wallpaper & NIN on their custom MySpace page is now a single parent.

Follow @DaveWeasel

Dave Weasel
@DaveWeasel

Only three more Lindsay Lohan arrests until Christmas!

Follow @DamienFahey

Damien Fahey
@DamienFahey

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a white person a drink in a mason jar and OH MY GOD HOW CUTE IS THIS MASON JAR?!?

Follow @patthornton

Pat Thornton
@patthornton

Kid Rock says: Obama and I have no hard feelings. Of course not, you helped him win.

Follow @joshcomers

Josh Comers
@joshcomers

“Look mom! No Dad!” (bitter child of divorce)

Follow @chrisdelia

Chris D’Elia
@chrisdelia

Haven’t heard a DMX song in a while now. Did he find his dogs or something?

Follow @funnyordie

Funny Or Die
@funnyordie

Kate Middleton is pregnant and The Pope joined Twitter. Truly a huge day for shit that won’t impact your life at all.

Follow @RexHuppke

Rex Huppke
@RexHuppke

Just walked by the Kardashian Kollection at Sears and now I smell like latex and penicillin.

Follow @shariv67

Shari VanderWerf
@shariv67

Given its trendy name, I thought iHop would be cooler somehow.

Follow @KimJongNumberUn

KimJongNumberUn
@KimJongNumberUn

Any North Koreans exhibiting signs of Gangnam Style will be executed.

Follow @FirstWorldLife

First World Life
@FirstWorldLife

The content owner has not made this video available on mobile. #FirstWorldProblems

Follow @DaveWeasel

Dave Weasel
@DaveWeasel

“Keep out of Lindsay Lohan” -Trouble

Follow @DamienFahey

Damien Fahey
@DamienFahey

Before your birthday party know that 5 minutes before showing up everyone’s had the “We’ll stay for an hour then leave” car conversation.

Follow @SamGrittner

Sam Grittner
@SamGrittner

Weird to think about how many different decades Larry King has fingered people in.

Follow @BorowitzReport

Andy Borowitz
@BorowitzReport

I wanted to do a good deed today, so I retweeted the link of that cop giving the homeless guy shoes.

Follow @biorhythmist

matt
@biorhythmist

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice I’m calling 911 you obviously haven’t heard of our tough new two strikes law. Enjoy prison, asshole

Follow @Reverend_Scott

Reverend Scott
@Reverend_Scott

“What do you mean, these are my birthday AND Christmas presents this year?? God dammit!” – Jesus

Follow @meganamram

Megan Amram
@meganamram

Women are like snowflakes: they can’t drive

Follow @SheBanggs

Katrina Whipp
@SheBanggs

It’s pretty amazing that the winning Powerball numbers are EXACTLY the same as my age when I was 5, 23, 16, 22, 29 and even 6 years old.

Follow @levie

Aaron Levie
@levie

“I’m really excited about iTunes 11″ – people that kept going to Tower Records into the 2000s.