Before I comment on the letter, I want to tell you a little bit about its author, Tony Orsini. I can’t say that I know him very well, but all four of my kids attended his Ridgewood New Jersey middle school and he is a good principal. He is passionate about what’s right for his students, and I guarantee you that every word in his letter is built on what he believes is right.

I just think he is misguided on this one. And it is very understandable how that happens, because it happens to all of us when faced with new technology. Because the technology is the thing being injected into our otherwise settled equation, it feels right that the technology is the problem, when we are our own worst enemies. It’s not the technology. It’s us.

Think about it. Tony points out that Facebook and other social networks have become the newest venues for bullying, which is an incredibly serious problem. But the issue isn’t where the bullying is happening. The issue is the bullying. Let me make this point with a personal story.

Even though I am older in dirt, I was in sixth grade once myself. My family had moved from another state and I was "the new kid." I was short and scrawny–a patsy. I was the easiest victim they’d ever seen, so the other boys in my grade bullied me for well over a year at every recess every school day.

One day, in seventh grade, I decided that I wasn’t going to subject myself to it anymore, so when everyone else went to play at recess, I just plopped myself down away from the other kids and did not move from there. A teacher who had apparently never noticed the bullying going one for months noticed me today and asked me what was wrong, so I told her. At that point, the school cracked down on the kids and my life got better.

Schools have changed a lot since I was 12. They now take bullying extremely seriously and no kid would go through what I did, because the kids are told that the adults care about this problem and that they can be approached. I never knew that anyone would care if I told them and the bullies had made it clear that that wasn’t my best strategy. So, I wasn’t intending to tell someone about my problem when I removed myself physically from the bullying. I had taken Tony’s solution. Instead of addressing the problem, I canceled my own recess.

So, I understand where Tony is coming from. If they are bullying you at recess, cancel recess. If they are bullying you in Facebook, cancel Facebook. But that was my solution as a 12-year-old. Fortunately, the adults, the teachers and other educators, have spent the last 40 years figuring out how to stop bullying without canceling recess. And as far as I can tell, it has been highly effective. The teachers try to monitor bullying behavior more than they once did, yes, but the main thing they do is to empower the victims of bullying by telling them what to do when it happens. And they also drill into kids from an early age that bullying is unacceptable. And it works. Without canceling recess.

The truth is that although Facebook seems like this brave new world to us oldsters (and in some ways it is), it doesn’t repeal the laws of human behavior. The problem is not bullying on Facebook. The problem is bullying. 40 years ago, many teachers said things like "boys will be boys" over this problem because they felt helpless about what they could do to stop it. It is understandable that we might feel a bit helpless about cyber-bullying now, but canceling Facebook is not the solution.

Instead, we must accept that bullying is unacceptable no matter where it happens. And we must accept that in the real world or the cyberworld, adults can’t always monitor what kids do. And we must accept that this technology will be used no matter what we want. At what age is Facebook OK? How do children learn how to act appropriately online? We must step up to teach them and we must emphasize that they are accountable for what they do online as well as everywhere else. And we must emphasize that we care what happens to them online, just as we do everywhere else. Canceling Facebook is just drawing a line that cannot hold.

Having said that, i have no issue with parents who want to follow Tony’s advice. That might be the right approach for your kid. But it can’t be right for every kid. There are plenty of mature eighth graders that can handle Facebook, just as there are probably some ninth graders that can’t. Each parent can make that decision based on their own kid. If Tony’s letter helps parents reclaim their confidence to make that decision, good. But if his letter just scares everyone into thinking that putting our heads in the sand will keep the cyber-bullies away, that would be a shame.

It’s easy to demonize Facebook for cyber-bullying. It’s harder to address the problem of student behavior, whether it happens online or off. But just as 40 years ago we ignored the problem offline, we have learned enough to know that we must confront bullying wherever it happens. On Facebook, too.

Thanks for raising the issue, Tony. I know it comes from a good heart. I just think we need to take a different approach.

Comments

What was planned as a cyber-bullying stunt to shame their victim on YouTube has turned into an online reputation management scar that will live with the eight defendants for the rest of their lives.

Take a look at these names:

…Cara Murphy, 16; Britney Mayes, 17; Kayla Hassell, 15; Zachary Ashley, 17; Brittini Hardcastle, 17; Mercades Nichols, 17; April Cooper, 14; and Stephen Schumaker, 18.

Conduct a search for any of these names and you’ll find many news articles and blog posts–all telling the story of how each are facing kidnapping and battery charges.

Now, fast forward 10 years. Whether these teens are convicted or not, it’s likely that a Google search for each name will cast a bright light on this dark episode in their lives. An episode each would rather forget.

But, the web never forgets….ever!

Sure, they might be able to build some positive content–a blog, social networking profile, etc–and try to suppress any mention of the incident, but it’s likely a future employer, potential mate, bank, or investor, will one day ask the dreaded question:

“Tell me about the 2008 incident where you were accused of kidnapping and battery?”

I remember being a teenager. Life is fun, pranks are played, and your “future” self is a million years away. Yet, whether via parents, teachers, or blog posts on this site, I hope that today’s teens realize that they live in a Radically Transparent world. A world where today’s transgressions are bookmarked and held against them for the rest of their lives.

Maybe a court won’t punish them for their actions, but that doesn’t stop them from punishing themselves, by scarring their future reputation.

Comments

Malley was using the domain for a parody site and demanded $50,000 from Fox, according to Reuters, as reimbursement for the work he’d put into it. Fox offered him $300.

Fox called it cybersquatting and Malley called it bullying. Either way, Fox has its movie domain and Malley has some free (well, not really) publicity for his "Keith and the Girl" podcast.

This past Monday, we saw one example of cyberbullying in the case of Kathy Sierra – a good synopsis came from Lisa Stone of BlogHer, an organization that has been (possibly / probably unfairly) dragged into the controversy.

Let’s take a step back and get to the basics: this should not have happened. Yes, the blogosphere gives us a sense of anonymity – us in PR have been attacked by an anonymous blog, but none of us have been physically threatened with death (as far as I know), but have had to deal with venomous emails and threats of livelihoods – but it is a false sense, and should not be abused. The truth always comes out, in the end.

And, we have seen the blogosphere get up in arms over gender equality, which has cyberbullied conferences to include women in panels. There is an odd bit of irony there.

We are mostly adults in the blogosphere. Well, "adults" behind a computer giving some people a bigger sense of worth (most likely self-inflated worth, as seems to be the norm in blogs), and there is a lot of testosterone in the blogosphere that comes out in immature ways against women that should not be tolerated.

But, like I noted, we are supposedly adults that should act as adults. In this instance, the adults have lost to the immature and anonymous.

At CommunityNext, I was speaking to three women about bullying and cyberbullying. One of the women is writing her graduate thesis on bullying – both offline and online – and has been spending time in a classroom to research. The other two women work at a childrens’ social network, and we were joking about the bullying of our childhood. My point was that in our school yard days – the more carefree 70′s – that bullying was not necessarily a bad thing, as it hardened us and prepared us for the real world. It was not totally malicious, and while some kids cried, the next day brought the next adventure, and we were all friends. And, well, bullying was always harshest amongst the girls – man, they could get catty. One of the women talked about her experience as a camp counselor, and teasing the children, who valued and sought the interaction from an adult.

But, there is the difference – that was about children. And, children are not equiped to deal with such bullying, and are now being pushed beyond the norm by being cyberbullied on MySpace comments, IM, and text messaged threats. There is no escaping Cyberbullying, as it follows you from device to device – it is the true idea of presence, taken to a horrific level with horrific results. Cyberbullying takes what we did as children, and ramps it up to a whole new level. That "take their cookies" mentality – one that I still subscribe to – is different, as it is not about being tough, but about pushing the other child down in the dirt as much as possible and pushing them over the brink.

What happened is a travesty and embarasing as a male and a long-time blogger. It was an adult-on-adult bullying, but that is the point: we are adults, and should recognize that too big a part of blogging is sandlot bravado. As a PR person, that is part of my counsel to clients: be prepared to defend your line in the sand, and sometimes you need to be prepared to be attacked and defend.

This crossed the line, but are we going to see a backlash where the sentiment is going to be "get a thicker skin"? While that is not the right answer, the blogosphere is fluid, and unfortunately, at times it can be cruel. But, at least we have the hardened years of adulthood, and can sigh a breath of relief that we are not growing up in a world where cyberbullying is the norm.

Comments

The WBTI urges individuals to sign their on-site petition form (http://bullying institute.org/home/otherstates.html ) to lobby in other states.

“Until there is a law,” they say, “employers will not care about bullying.”

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

“Preventing on-the-job violence is difficult,” says Peter Freiberg, writing on bullying in the APA Monitor (American Psychological Association), “because it often involves changing the very culture of the workplaces.”

There are no statistics on the extent of workplace bullying (mobbing, harassment, etc.) in the US, but consultants affirm it’s “endemic” in some organizations, self-perpetuating and viral.

If your company has a culture that’s leaving you open to risk, here’s what an EQ program can do for you.

An EQ program trains your employees to avoid situations that can cost your business money. It trains employees and staff to avoid behaviors that create or perpetuate situations that can cost you thousands of dollars in unnecessary legal fees and settlements.

EQ training for managers and HR personnel increases the likelihood of choosing the best candidate in the first place, and then managing them properly, so you save the money and risk involved in dismissal, rehiring and retraining.

This applies at all levels. Studies have shown that cardiologists with high EQ (particularly in one competency) get sued less than cardiologists with low EQ.

An EQ program addresses most potentially litigious issues — sexual harassment, fraud, discrimination, multicultural and diversity issues, mobbing, bullying, constructive discontent, communication and hostility.

Studies of jurors in employment litigation show the jury will treat the company more kindly if you have a program in place. They expect you to act on complaints, meaning your managers must be trained to evaluate complaints and handle them properly.

Jurors expect you to put a program in place if there has been a complaint, and a “complaint” can mean an offhand remark at the company picnic. They don’t like if you put a program in place only after a lawsuit was filed, and they have a chance to express their “dislike” in the punishment phase of the trial.

Jurors think a superior who inappropriately touches an employee should be fired immediately. They’re especially incensed if the company looks the other way for monetary reasons, i.e., letting the rainmaker get away with something the receptionist couldn’t. They hold senior staff to a higher standard of conduct, and don’t like it when the victim “goes on trial” – either at your office or during proceedings, i.e., “Then why did you dress that way?”

Polled jurors not only “believe” the victim, they are sure that harassment and discrimination are frequent. Note this current appeal on the website of the Workplace and Bullying trauma Institute ( http://bullyinginstitute.org ): “If you are a bullied target living in or near NEW YORK, NY we have an immediate need to have you go On Record for a newspaper story.”

42% of people surveyed reported having witnessed others being targeted for bullying. You may consider this “part of working,” but jurors do not.

An EQ program is fair and equal treatment for all employees. It’s non-invasive, non- discriminatory, singles out no one, is positive, proactive, everyone can learn it, and it gets results.

An EQ culture can change “the way things are done around here,” and if “the way things are done around here” is exposing you to liability, you need to act.

An EQ program raises the average EQ in your office which has proven to increase the bottom line. According to research by Reuven Bar-on, Ph.D., raising the overall average emotional intelligence in your office affects the bottom line positively, while increasing one person’s EQ does not. In other words, train everyone for best results.

Managers with high EQ can keep you out of trouble. They are often the first point of contact and how they handle a complaint makes a difference. Managers and supervisors with low EQ are easily “hijacked” by emotion and react to employees and situations without thinking it through and using good judgment.

LACK OF ‘SOFT’ SKILLS BRINGS HARD’ CONSEQUENCES DURING THE PUNISHMENT PHASE OF THE TRIAL.

And what’s the trend? There is corporate manslaughter on the continent, and bullying is already illegal in the UK.

Cases are being won in Europe by employees (see my article, “What’s Going on with Mobbing, Bullying, and Work Harassment Internationally” ( http://www.ideamarketers. com/library/article.cfm?articleid=19430&where from=LOGIN ) and European Union (EU) members are lobbying for an EU-wide statute against mobbing.

A study by Spain’s University of Alcal de Henares reports that 15% of workers in the EU “suffer psychological harassment or mobbing on the job.”

Belgium has a law on harassment in the pipeline, and Germany is considering legislating to tackle the problems there. The German Ministry of Labour reports the problem costs the state 100 million a year in medical costs, plus lost working days.

The Mobbing Report, a survey of 4,400 workers, estimated that 800,000 people were suffering “intolerable” abuse every day and that 1. 5 million workers suffered sickness caused by bullying.

Lobbying is moving forward in the US. Get a training program in place now and reduce your risk.

For more about mobbing, go here: http://www.webstrategies.cc/mobbing.htm . For more on bullying, go here: http://bullyinginstitute. org.

Susan Dunn, MA, Marketing Coach,
http://www.webstrategies.cc. Marketing consultation,
implementation, website review, SEO optimization, article
writing and submission, help with ebooks and other
strategies. Susan is the author or How to Write an eBook
and Market It on the Internet. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc
for information and free ezine. Specify Checklist.

I am documenting everything because there is no doubt that I am being harrassed by him. We have an employee union but they themself say this city is the worse they have ever seen and just do what ever they say so it doesn’t end up just like the last girl they foced into early retirement (less than 6 months ago). It seems they went after her for over six years! As my old boss & many of the employees put it, “It seems that they always have to have a victim.”

I have gotten a written reprimand for the very first time in my 53 years and just recently after I already had my annual review & it was finished, approved, and signed by two of my supervisors for over seven weeks he called a meeting with me and two other bosses to tell me they decided not to give it to me. Once again he stated I have been late as the reason and then he stated internet usage, as well. I asked for his documentation on both because I have been sending myself an email every day from work to my home when I arrive at work and when I leave to prove he is not telling the truth. It has been over three weeks and he has not mentioned giving me any documentation even though I have asked several times.

The internet usage he mentioned was that I went to one of those free card places and sent a card, which I did, to him for his birthday! The other thing was I went to look up when a training class was at my church so he stated I was looking up things at a “religious site”. Do note that he did agree that all of my WWW usage was done on my lunch hour. I have told him several times I do not have to sit at work to surf the WWW – I have DSL at home and I can surf all I want there WITHOUT anyone saying anything.

So as you see he really is searching for some way to get rid of me permanately! That is fine with me except for one thing…I have 1& 1/2 years left to go until I am vested for my retirement. This means I will get my medical paid by the city even after I retire so it is very important. About a year before I started working for the city I went through a real bad divorce and my ex cashed out all my previous retirement so the city is all I have.

I am at wits end though and do not know what else I can do. I have never had anything like this happen to me at any job in my life so it is truly mind boggling to me. I am just trying to stay out of his way and just do my job quietly but he does not let me even do that. He will come in and say something about something else that he has decided I am doing wrong. He even has done things like tell me not to do a certain set of CAD drawings until after our GIS consultant gives us what he is doing on it (so we do not double our efforts he says). Then in the meeting with the three bosses he told them I didn’t do any of the work.

I am trying to hang in there but I do not even know if I can anymore at this point. I have gone to the union, the HRO manager, and different chains of command but nothing. Tell me if there is any tricks you know of to help me hang in there until I am vested. I know it will probably cost me my sanity but at least I will have the medical to pay for my treatments then.

Have you ever run across this type of situation? Is there any hope of it changing? This has been going on for just over two years now – ever since he started working with the city himself. My other boss gave me great reviews and always praised my work and extra efforts. This one has yet to say anything good about me yet including on my reviews. No he did say one good thing this time – He said I was very good with people and the citizens when I go up to the counter to help them.

I do AutoCAD & GIS & have done it since 1985. As a matter of fact I am the most qualified CAD/GIS person in the entire city of over 500 people. I am one of the key instrumental people who started the city in trying to get the drawings, maps, & atlases done electronically. My skills are highly needed at my job but my boss has asked me why I even want to do the CAD when I am so good at the counter with people. He refuses me any update training classes yet keeps sending the two “guys” in our division.

I know I really have a serious harassment & discrimination case here if it ever came down to it but frankly that is really not my style or desire. All I want is to be treated with respect, fairness, and dignity for 1 & 1/2 years more. What can I do to help myself hang in there??

Thank You,
Puzzled & Confused

Dear Puzzled and Confused,

I wish you respect, fairness and dignity. You deserve this. When I read letters like this it makes me angry that people have to work under such conditions.

Yes, I’ve heard of this before. A client I’ll call Lisa comes to mind. She worked as a middle school counselor for 10 years under one principal and was a star. Nothing but praise and appreciation for what she considered “just doing my job.” Then he retired and a new principal took over and things changed immediately. Being the same person, doing the same work, Lisa began to get nothing but bad reports. Luckily for her, the new principal only last a year.

You have written that you plan to stay there and I’ll take you at your word you’ve exhausted all channels. No you won’t change the place, certainly not in 18 months.

Reading your letter, I sense you’re finding it hard to believe this is happening. The first thing to do is realize that it is. Good reality-testing is good emotional intelligence. Yes, it’s happening, yes, people really do behave this way. Now you have information, and now you can start to cope.

Bullying is a complicated issue. And remember, bullying and mobbing and hostile work place are not illegal in the US. Yet. Bullying is illegal in the UK and Europe is moving in that direction. The French and the Germans both call mobbing “slow poison” — “Le mobbing est un poison lent,” and “Mobbing is ein leises Gift Zuletzt geandert.” (Read my article “What’s Goind on with Mobbing, Bullying and Work Harassment Internationally.”)

Understand I find it reprehensible and indefensible. What I say is not to “excuse” the bully or the boss who allows such a work environment. It’s a survival plan for someone who can’t change the situation, and can’t or won’t leave.

Bullying occurs because of the nature of the bully, but certain types of people are more ready tagets. The targets are generally good workers who aren’t particularly “political,” and who won’t fight back. One piece of advice is — If you live in the vicinity of a predator looking for something to eat, it behooves you to “taste bad.”

Therefore, look at your role here. There are things you are doing that are encouraging this to continue. Without knowing the particulars of the case, here’s some general advice — Look around you at who doesn’t get picked on, observe them carefully, observe their interactions with this person, and then emulate them. TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT. However you’ve been responding, respond another way.

GET COACHING

Next I would recommend coaching.

#1, It’s good emotional intelligence to have a strong social support group at any time, but especially hard times, and coaching is this, but of a special nature. (Read my article, “I’m Not Looking for a Friend, I’m Looking for a Jedi Master“) A coach is not a friend, and your friends and relatives cannot provide what a coach can.

A coach can help you with the particulars of your situation. This could include calling your coach during the day for tips or a pep talk when something comes up.

#2, Such a negative environment can affect your health, which you mention lightly, but I don’t read it lightly. Please take care of yourself. There are things you can do to bolster your resilience and attitude that can make you feel better and preserve your health. (Read my article, “Emotions and Your Health“)

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

What else can you do? Read, learn and practice positivity and relaxation techniques. Learn to breathe deeply when something occurs, get up and get away until you calm down, learn to self-soothe. Learn anger management, because anger kills and, contrary to popular belief, both repressing it and expressing it are harmful to your health.

Develop your emotional intelligence. You may not be working there much longer, but you’ll be living for the rest of your life, and there are few things as potentially beneficial to all aspects of your life as increasing your emotional intelligence.

ABOUT BULLYING

Bullying is very hard to address once it gets going. It needs to be nipped in the bud, stopped immediately. This may happen to you again, elsewhere, and you need to get your EQ going for the future. Again, I’m not saying it’s your fauly, I’m saying there are bullies in the world, and there are ways that encourage them and ways that don’t. What you want to do is learn to put a sign on your forehead that says, “I know you’re looking for someone to bully, but this person isn’t available for that.” They make you think it’s personal, but it isn’t; they’ll move on, as they are just a bullying event looking for a place to happen.

You would think an employer would not ignore such a situation, if not out of common decency, out of smartness. Studies of jurors in employment litigation suits have revealed the following (and remember jurors are simply workers on jury duty):