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Stephen Hawking, The Bachelor, and Homeless Hotspots

Today's Funniest Tweets

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Stephen Hawking, The Bachelor, and Homeless Hotspots
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Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.

And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.

Enjoy!

Pretty sure the vibration of my iPhone is all I’d need to hear in order to wake up from a coma.(image) 2 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

So Fab Melo is out. John Henson is hurt. It’s like everybody EXCEPT John Calipari is vacating this tournament.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Stephen Hawking will appear on an upcoming episode of “Big Bang Theory,” where he will have only the third most robotic voice.(image) 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Want a Bachelor spoiler for every season ever? Here goes… “the hottest one.”(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

REPORT: Dead air has asked to not be aired during Rush Limbaugh’s show.(image) 17 hours ago via Timely by Demandforce ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Fab Melo gives the whole “You can’t teach 7 feet” saying new meaning.(image) 1 hour ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Opinions are like assholes: I have two of them(image) 52 minutes ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Apple packaging is so nice I have real difficulty throwing it out. #FirstWorldProblems(image) 3 hours ago via iTweet for Android ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Breaking Jon Hamm/Kim Kardashian War News: Kim hurls her antibiotics at Jon…Jon knocks them out of the air with his handsome.(image) 3 hours ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Deciding to watch ‘The Bachelor’ or ‘Jersey Shore’ is like being on the toilet & deciding if you want to puke or have diarrhea on the floor.(image) 18 hours ago via Echofon ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Siri does the best Stephen Hawking impression.(image) 2 days ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

I don’t think there’s homeopathic medicine that treats quinoa poisoning. #hipsterproblems(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

I just found out Ronald Reagan used a teleprompter. Now I have to renounce my citizenship and join Al Qaeda.(image) 1 hour ago via web ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

I always caress the hand of the person handing me food at the drive-thru because convenience does not preclude kindness.(image) 2 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Turning the homeless into WiFi hotspots is impressive, but what I really want is to turn them into a USB hub.(image) 3 hours ago via TweetDeck ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Just like the Eskimos have over 50 words for “snow,” the people of India have over 50 words for “diarrhea.”(image) 4 hours ago via Tweetbot for iOS ·  Reply ·  Retweet ·  Favorite · powered by @socialditto

Stephen Hawking, The Bachelor, and Homeless Hotspots
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