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Republicans Made Their Own Retro Platformer Starring an Elephant Named Giopi

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Republicans Made Their Own Retro Platformer Starring an Elephant Named Giopi
[ Technology]

The National Republican Senatorial Committee, the group whose only purpose is getting Republicans elected to the US Senate, has turned to nostalgic gaming to help with its cause.

The NRSC has built its own retro platformer called Gioipi: 2014 Mission Majority. Combining funky chiptune jams and an unbelievably spry pachyderm with strong GOP messaging, Giopi is available to play right now.

The game stars Giopi (Ghi-ah-pee? Jai-op-pie?), a patriotically-attired elephant. His goal is to acquire golden keys while avoiding various Democratic foes along the way.

In level one, Giopi must avoid the dreaded “Taxers.”

In level two, you encounter “Mudslingers,” described as Democrats who hurl false and empty rhetoric.

Obama soundbites like “If you like your doctor you will be able to keep your doctor” and “You didn’t build that” play when you vanquish an enemy.

When you get to level three, you’re told that you’ve collected enough keys to unlock a “large group of volunteers who will knock on doors and make phone calls.”

“We are here to win back the majority, and to get our nation back on track after a tough few years under the Obama administration. Keep your eyes on the goal!” says Giopi.

Level four is where shit gets real. Not only are you battling taxers and mudslingers, but you’re also dodging other members of the Obama administration. Your task in the final level is to activate six “switches,” which represent states electing a Republican Senator.

I’d like to tell you what happens when you beat the game, but I gave up trying to get the game to work past level three after about ten minutes. In lieu of knowing what actually happens, I’ll just assume that Ted Cruz rides down the side of a mountain in a blaze of blinding white light and sends Harry Reid plunging into the fiery depths of Mount Doom.

The game’s a bit glitchy all around. Though you can supposedly log in via Facebook or Google+, I could only get the game to load via email sign-in after about three tries. And of course, the aforementioned black screen of death prevented be from fulfilling my true destiny.

Final verdict: the required 60/100. Had a blast. Would play again, if it would let me.

Image via NRSC, YouTube screenshot

Republicans Made Their Own Retro Platformer Starring an Elephant Named Giopi
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