Twitter is a wonderful place for one-liners. To be funny on the site, you’ve got to be sharp and practice economy of language. You’ve only got 140 characters to make an impression.
And what better way to wind-down the work day than with a selection of some of the day’s most entertaining tweets.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter looks cool but I’m saving my money for George Bush: Sour Patch Kid Consumer.
Maybe I'll Have Another is just holding out for more oats. Or maybe less whipping.
Spoiler: the alien lifeform in Prometheus is ALF.
When parents offer to show me pictures of their kids I usually say "no thanks I already have quite a few in my private collection"
Accidentally added a bunch of people to my "close friends" list on Facebook, which is basically like joining the most boring book club ever.
Weird - I just turned on the TV and Ryan Seacrest wasn't on.
If Snooki & Kim Kardashian were stuck in a burning building, & you could only save one, would you do laundry or read the paper?
I can usually judge a women's hotness by how many times my wife calls her a whore.
Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
New BBQ place was awful. I haven't been this disappointed since every time a Billy Joel video came on MTV.
My microwaved leftovers are too hot on the outside but still kinda cold on the inside. #FirstWorldProblems
Ever wake up so hungover that your liver doesn't even want to cuddle?
If you see a car with a TAPOUT sticker, it's customary to let him pass you so he can quickly get home to verbally abuse his stepson.
I saved a fortune on toys by convincing my kids that they were all born on Christmas Day.