Jolly Rancher Takes Out NFL Player

    July 31, 2013

Personal confession: Around mile 19 of the 2010 Georgia Marathon, I accepted a Jolly Rancher from a roadside spectator, and, breathing very hard (as one at mile 19 is wont to do), nearly choked to death on the sweet taste of sour apple. So I know the dangers of the finest of hard candies.

So, apparently, does Dallas Cowboys safety Barry Church. The fourth-year professional football player recently missed a practice due to a Jolly Rancher-related catastrophe. Yes, the 6’2”, 218 lb. athlete whose job it is to knock other similarly proportioned men down was taken out by a cherry Jolly Rancher, which apparently chipped a tooth and sent him to the dentist for an emergency root canal.

The procedure has caused Church to miss a full day of training camp practice, as well as a team walkthrough. It could be worse, though. Apparently hard candy remains the top choking hazard (at least for kids).

Still, it’s not quite as problematic as the Achilles tendon tear that knocked him out for 13 weeks last season. Given that the “injury” isn’t quite a career ender, Twitter-equipped players, writers, and sundry hangers-on have felt comfortable laying in:

And now, without further ado: Yeah, Jolly Ranchers are good, but are they really werther it?